My Minute of Thought...Take 11?

Figuring out who I am has been a struggle for not only the people who try to care about me but also for myself. There are times when I ask why I have to be so complicated. After some stressful thought and good music, I've learned some things:

My name is Emily Page. I use my first and middle name as my signature, because there is something about middle names that caresses my soul. When talking to the people who are closest to me, I find it most fitting to call them by their first and middle name, because it shows a sense of care. That may be different for other people, but I do that in hopes that those people will understand how special they are to me.

Instead of showing more interest in the pretty things, I focus on things people judge as ugly. While others are quick to stereotype, I like to take time to look a little deeper and see just how beautiful each of these things can be. 

When it comes to sleep, my schedule matches the normal sleeping habits of people living on the other side of the world. It's quite normal for me to be awake while others around me are sleeping and vise versa. Day sleeping comes easier.

Texting and talking on the phone are the worst. I'd much rather make conversations and interact with people in person. There is so much confusion in reading one's emotion otherwise. Texting also takes up way too much of my time.

Crying is something that I've learned is unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, I feel great after a healthy cry, but it's something I like to happen only once in a long while.

This goes along with emotions. I feel as if my emotions were overused in a sense. I've become sick of showing them, so it's natural for me to appear emotionless in the majority of my life situations. 

I absolutely hate when people touch my face. I've had so many problems with acne and skin issues; I am simply self-conscious when the subject is brought up. Hundreds of dollars were invested in medicines and buying face makeup to cover what I thought was so wretched..which leads to another topic I've thought about.

Girls who pile on the foundation have a lot to learn. I used to be one of those girls, but in most cases it's different. There are way too many flawless girls piling on layer after layer of cover-up. They don't need it. They are beautiful in black and white...like those old films that are better watched without color. 

I'm the girl that prefers clean cut nails rather than long painted nails. It's less of a hassle and far less disgusting on top of that.

As much as I say I'd like to fall in love, I've come to the conclusion that best friends are better than boyfriends. Guys don't understand this, but here's the thing....they won't.

Tattoos, piercings, and colorful hair is more my style than the typical natural look. I've always wanted to gauge my ears, but my good hygiene trumps my style by a long shot.

My brain isn't confusing, it just thinks through everything faster than I can express.

My minute of thoughts while watching The Little Mermaid,

Emily Page.

Thinking. It's what I'm up to.

I would like to start this night out with the fact that I have three followers on this blog site.  That number doesn't even compare to the number of followers I have on Twitter, but I feel as though the people actually following my blog are the ones who are important to me. Actually, anyone who takes time out of their life to read my posts is most likely important to me.

I'm tired of living this life. My choices are all bad, and I can't help that. I have forgotten how to be myself. A new life seems impossible at this point in my life. While it may seem impossible for me, I know how possible it is with God. He is with me every step of the way. I simply have to trust in him to guide my life in the direction he has planned for me.

As I look at my life and the family I've made at Grand Valley State University, I've realized that as much as I'd hate to lose what I've gained, I must move forward. Grand Valley wasn't the place for me. My future, I've decided, is in my favorite place in the world. Taking this winter semester off to find a job is almost unrealistic for me, but I didn't know where else to turn. I feel as though God is leading me in this very direction. I figured this time is as good as any to start listening. St. Louis is big, and my plans are even bigger. I'm  looking forward to the opportunity that I will have in the place I wish to call home.

There is this thing that I absolutely hate to talk about. This thing is guys. They truly disgust me.

...actually...

I've come to a sudden realization. After having an emotional conversation (mind you, I'm not emotional...at all) I know that love is real. As my relationship with God has been a struggle for me, there was one person that helped me figure out where I was going wrong. A few years ago, I led myself to believe that there was no such thing as love. Since then, there was nothing in the world that could convince me otherwise. Tonight, one of my greatest friends in the world has helped me think on this situation deeper than I have ever thought on it. Within my brain, fire was made. Now fully comprehending a lesson that I've been taught my whole life, I know that without the love of God, no other type of love can exist. Relationships need to be based around God and the love he shows us, or we will not be able to truly replicate this love toward special people in our life on earth.

How could it have taken me this long to understand such a simple concept? Questions about why I felt the way I did about love were more than difficult for me to answer. My answer was always, "I don't know" or, "This is difficult to explain." Apologies were always made, because nobody was ever satisfied with my reply. People are always praying for me; this I know for sure. God has really taken his place as number one in my life, and I couldn't be happier.

I'm not even reluctant to say that I'm not sad about what I put myself through before I figured this out.

I'm happy to be thinking clearly again...I didn't even have to drink coffee.

This life that I live, I love it very much.

Nobody will ever tear me down.

Embracing God's power and love,
Emily Page..

It's Monday...but that's no excuse.

Last night. The first night that I actually had trouble falling asleep. Does that mean that I'm falling into my old habits? With a class at 8 o'clock this morning, I wasn't sure how today was going to play out. For some reason, my anxiety shot right through me, and my eyes were stuck wide open until a good 3am. There was too much on my brain. Thoughts coming and going from every corner of my mind...which leads to this morning.

Sleep finally made nice with my restless body when it was time for me to get up and prepare myself for the day. I knew something wasn't quite right, but I ignored it and moved on into my busy Monday. Psychology wasn't as bad as previous days, so I decided that this Monday was going to be one of the best. History was also very interesting as per it's usual, but then came my three hour break. Since there was a lack of sleep in preperation for success, I thought it was necessary to catch a few Z's before my math class. Something was still very wrong. Anxiety got the best of me yet again, so I had no choice but to lay awake until it was time to go.

During this sleep attempt, I received a text from a guy. We've been talking for quite some time. I asked how he was doing, and he replied with, "Good, I guess." Knowing something was up, I asked what it could be. This was the very last question I wish I had asked, because I knew how our conversation would end. It was the same story that I end up writing in my book of life every time. My heart hurt a little bit this morning, but I might actually believe that this guy was being genuine. He was super serious about needing to focus on his school work. There was also no way we'd ever be able to see each other seeing how he doesn't have skype. Skype isn't enough anyways. I wish I'd known him longer. Maybe things would be different.
My heart is in pieces. It's so hard to hold all of them by myself. The shards keep slipping through my bony fingers and stabbing my insides. Although I'm a little sad, I've learned from past experiences how to get over situations like this. It's no big deal.

Marching band completely changed my mood. Something about it creates this new person inside me. I forgot about being sad, and happiness took over my day! Who likes to be so melancholy anyways?!
I SURE DON'T! Life's too short to worry about things that upset you.

Writing class came at the close of my day. The half hour before it started, my productivity level was higher than normal. My introductory paragragh was done before class had even started. During class, my attention span had shrunk to it's bare minimum. Two straight hours of helping one of my fellow classmates sounded better than finishing my own paper. She complimented my revising/editting skills. I'm just happy to have helped her.

My day is almost over, and I'm as calm as the sea.

Not as deep as I had intended this morning,
Emily Page.

A Whole New Environment

The Zumburge Library has become my favorite place. I've only been in here no more than twenty minutes, but it's so serene. The environment is quiet, but that's generally how most library's must be. There is something special about this top floor that really tickles my brain's fancy. My thinking is crystal clear, and why? What could the reason be for this whole new thought process?! I'm intrigued at even this thought! My blogs might spark better towards more interesting topics in the future. Excitement is now all that is being held.

Grand Valley is lovely. The campus is great, and the people are nice.

The irrigation systems around here are ridiculous. I'm not sure a shower is what I was looking for on the way to my classes. It's merely a shame the staff don't know to fix it. Rather, it's a shame they don't have the motivation. It's impossible for them not to be aware of such activity. My thoughts were leading towards watering the grass and not the weeds in the sidewalk cracks.

Someday people will generate an awareness for their surroundings.

Marching band is intense! When people remember charts and music, it turns out to be quite the show. I'm proud to be in the Laker Marching Band, and I'm looking forward to our first game this saturday on the new field! The flicc's section leaders could not have been better chosen. I've known them for all of two, almost three, weeks, and I already love them!

This season is bound to be a great one.

The fridge in my dorm is broken. My ice chewing addiction cannot be satisfied, but I suppose a little trip to the freshmen commons will have to do. My two packages of bacon keep nice and cool...I guess I have bigger problems.

Bacon for dinner tomorrow.

Well, now Brandon is breathing down my neck. He wants to leave this wonderful block of peace.

I shouldn't hold him up.

To Meijer we go!

Until next time...and with more crystalline thoughts,
Emily Page.

Short Stack Pancakes.

I've been settled into my dorm here at Grand Valley State University for a solid week now. There are so many great things about this place; it almost seems unreal. Band camp was as fun as it was difficult. I met so many new people in the band, and they are all crazy like me! The directors are all so different, but they are different levels of awesome! They know how to get work done. My fear has turned to excitement for this season, and I'm really looking forward to a few years with these great people!

As soon as band camp was over, I didn't know what to do with myself! I had so much time for myself, but by this time, I had completely forgotten what to do for myself. It won't be long before my life is taken over by school work. Class starts tomorrow.

Bikes are awesome! There is no doubt my bike will become my best friend when I have but ten minutes between two classes that are fifteen minutes walking distance from each other. Winter will be interesting.

My dorm room is so hot I can't breathe. There WILL be fans in this room before the day is over.

There are a few boys I've been crushing on. I never thought it would come to the point where I had to choose only one. I feel bad in these situations...

I know what I want...but is it what's good for me?

Short blog because it's too hot to think,
Emily Page.

The Reason Why I Sing

The past two weeks have been awful. I've been stuck at home, because I got two weeks off from my nannying job. This wouldn't be so bad, but I really need that money for college. This situation really puts me at a stalemate.

My parents think I'm either depressed or have anger problems. I was forced into the doctor's office yesterday, and when I found out why I was there, I couldn't help but laugh. I AM irritable but only to an extent. The things that frustrate me are legitimate reasons to be frustrated. Any eighteen year old girl would become angry if they were exposed to the same daily obstacles that I must overcome. They aren't terrible; I just find them to be super annoying and inconvenient.

Two days ago, I was lucky enough to be able to purchase my brand new laptop without having to order it. The local computer salesman in our small town bakery was eager to sell to me a sharp looking Dell. It has a webcam and all of the programs necessary for my college adventures.

College. It's coming all too soon. I only have one month left of this summer break, but I can't say that I'm not excited for college and sweatshirt weather.

...

I've forgotten about this blog as of one month ago. I no longer have one month left until college. I move into my dorm tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock. It will be a rough day considering my lack of piccolo practice this summer. My music was printed but a few days ago, and I haven't had much time to take a look at it. I'm just looking forward to restarting my music career. It's not quite a career for me, but who knows? It very well could be.

Fear is in the air. About a month ago, I was more than ready to get out of this house and move into my dorm. Then reality hit me. This is the house that I've been living in my whole life. Everything I've ever known is here. Life will be very different without the parents that go out of their way to love me and care for me. This whole independent thing will be something I must become accustomed to.

Quite honestly, it's not the "being away" part that scares me the most. The part that scares me the most is the fact that I haven't marched a show in at least two years. I'm not sure that my brain will be able to manage a new show every single home game. I will be praying for God to help me on this one. Practice is a must.

Time is all it takes...

Roughly two weeks ago, Kayti and I accompanied Jorja to her cottage in Traverse City. The last time I was there was probably ten years ago. All I remember is that it's been a minute. We soaked up so much sun, shopped, ate, met nice people, and had an incredible time. My only question is why has it been ten years since I've been there?!

Yesterday, my bestie Mark and I went to the dollar store in town. I needed pants hangers, so I asked him to tag along on this small town adventure. The first dollar store didn't have the hangers I needed. We then made our way to the next Dollar General up the road...
For some reason, White Cloud has two dollar stores and almost nothing else.
...There were pants hangers at this store, but they were expensive. I bought them anyways. Mark and I were messing around in the toy section when we finally decided to make our way to the check out. Waiting for us there was a very creepy man who appeared to be on drugs. He turned to Mark and I and was very sure to let us know that he was "only joking." Who's to say about what? He also mentioned that he loved to dance. Mark and I laughed so hard when he left. This man with a painted imagination turns out to be a usual in this unfortunate place. Apparently Mark saw him at the gas station down the road from where we live. The situation there was also very awkward.

Tonight I have a massage, I must pack my bags, and I'd like to fit in a few tie-dyed shirts...Seems simple, but it only seems that way.

You may be wondering why this blog is titled "The Reason Why I Sing." There is no straight answer for you. All I can say is that as negative as my blogs may seem....they aren't at all. I enjoy every little thing in life, and I really have no reason to give off any negative feelings. God has been so great in my life, and I know He always will be. While blogging has cleared my mind of all stress and kept me sane, it has also opened my mind a little wider. I'm the Emily that has learned to appreciate the simplest things that jump on the road ahead. Obstacles become treasured opportunities.

Nothing more to share,
Sporting that smug little smile,
Emily Page!

Kicking anxiety in the face.

Today wasn't too terribly awful. Mr. Saxobeat played on my Spotify this evening, and that had it's own special way of cheering me up. I'm sure to the world, rather people who read any of my blogs, I seem like a sad and depressed mug. Although it looks that way, anyone who truly knows me knows that I can never be sad for a long period of time. There is too much in life to be excited about!

Right now isn't one of those exciting, happy moments, but I like to think it is. The brighter side gives me a better tan.

Speaking of tan, whilst I was mowing my lawn in my swimsuit, I caught a few rays. My feet are still pretty white, and I have a faint TOMS tan line, but the rest of me has bronzed quite nicely.

Completing ab workouts has become but a chore. I love having my summer body year round, but I suppose I've been eating way too much bacon. My six pack is gone, and my motto, "Sick pack don't hold back" rolled right to the back of my noggin only to be forgotten.
Wait a tick, it has not been forgotten...since I remember, I might as well stick to it.

My bed is calling my name, but I'm not tired. Staying awake only makes me think about the worst things can be, but going to bed will only make me dream about those things. I debated which would be worse for me. So far, staying awake would be best. Sleeping only creates a more realistic setting for my thoughts to tell their story.

Why is this worse than the first time around? Why is it possible for guys to make girls feel like this? Why can't I control when I do and don't feel like this? Why aren't our brains synced with our hearts? Why is it so difficult to find someone who fancies you just as much as you fancy them?...Why am I so stupid?

Hmm. That last question really got me. Why am I so stupid? I'm not stupid. My body only wants me to think this is worse than the first time around. Guys have no power over me. I can control what I do and who I am with which in turn will control my level of emotion. The brain sends signals to the heart, so they ARE synced, I just have to figure out what each feeling means....and last but not least, God fancies me just as much as I fancy him, and when that's the case, I don't need to worry about guys and if they fancy me. If they don't? Cool. If they do? Right on.

Blogging helps me see through the stained glass windows in life.

Sleep doesn't sound so terrible at this point.

Nothing short of an optimist,
Emily Page!

My only question is Why?

Today was full of so much anxiety. I haven't felt like this in ages. If there's one thing guys are really good at, it's making me feel extremely anxious in the worst of ways.

This morning, I decided to be a little difficult and text Mr. Perfect. I'm more than willing to bet he is already confused with the situation he's in, and I had to go and rough things up a smidgen more for him. Sometimes I find myself doing things that are completely unnecessary. This was one of those things.

A hint of anger was all it took for me to decide that I was going to show someone how I truly felt for the first time in a long time. Anger is one of the many emotions that I forget to reveal at it's golden moment. For no reason in particular, today was the day I remembered that it was okay to be angry. Words slipped out that weren't supposed to, and I rolled out sentences that made no sense and were inappropriate for the time being. Let's just settle with...I was acting a fool.

There is really no apology that will make everything better. Nothing will be the same or how I wanted. In a sense, I feel as though I messed things up, but in reality, things happen. Things that you don't really expect are the ones that you should have expected all along. I'm getting used to the situation, but I don't want to. I'm becoming okay with the fact that I won't wake up to a "Good Morning" text from Mr. Perfect, and I'm probably not going to be chilling with him anytime soon. Other guys text me, but it's not the same. The feelings aren't there, and forgetting about the feelings I have for Mr. Perfect will be a very arduous task.

Blink 182 has been playing from my Spotify all night. Although this is Mr. Perfect's favorite band, I'm not just listening to it because it reminds me of him. This music group used to be one of my favorites as well, and I forgot how much I enjoyed a good listen.

At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. Moving on is an option and I've done it many times before, but this time it feels different. It's not as easy.

Guys have already been trying to get a hold of me, and for what?
My friend from North Carolina has mentioned that he's sure a there's a line of guys waiting for me. That's not what I want to hear. I'm sure some girl would be flattered and think that's a nice compliment, but I don't want those guys...I want one, one that has already struck my fancy and without really even trying.

This, for lack of better terms, sucks.

Don't ask me how my heart is doing,
emily.page.

P.s. On a more positive note, I hope to be on my way to St. Louis at this time tomorrow.

Topping off this bitter sweet life of mine...Confusion.

It's wonderful to be back on this blog site. There hasn't been much to share recently, but lately is another story. My last blog went on about this guy that won my heart over. I'm here to tell you that there is way more to my life than this simple game in which he won the first round. He was looking to hurt me, and I was somehow willing to let him. Waiting until I was 18 seemed like a legit decision for this 20 year old fellow until I realized what his intentions really were. Something about this guy really intrigued me. It was as though nobody else could compare. What girl wouldn't fall for a guy who tried to understand them, make them feel great, and better yet, blog about them?! Seriously!!! A BLOG!! That's a little ridiculous if you ask me, but then again what is it that I am doing here?

Lately rather than recently, I was kidnapped by my best friends. This was out of the normal for me considering how my parents are with me and leaving the house. I really didn't want to go anywhere that night. It was early in the evening, but I had been up for a rocking 31 hours. Relay for Life was the day and night before, and I was deader than a doorknob. Being sleep deprived is my scene, but I was more than hoping to catch up on sleep for the past day and a half. Working on three hours of shuteye and two very close friends of mine stole me right out of bed. They drug me to the car and took me to a friends house. My parents didn't know where I was, and I couldn't tell them. My phone was broken. I'm lucky they still love me after coming home a day later than I should have.

Being here was a drag. I could never tell them, but I was tired. What more can one expect?!

It got deeper and deeper into the night when my best friends told me about this guy that was "perfect for me." I had a hard time believing that there was anybody more meant for me than this older saxophone player. When the guy that was "perfect for me" showed up, I didn't really think that there could/would ever be anything between us. We turned out having pretty similar tastes, but I was still not convinced. I went home the next day without really saying goodbye, so I did what any other Facebook addict would do...I searched for him on "Stalkbook" and left him a message. I said nothing but a simple thanks for taking care of me the night before. It was a little rough, but there's no need to go into detail.

Sparking this conversation brought me away from everybody else in the world. It takes somebody really special to take my mind off of the guy I had originally felt was right for me. The more I talked to Mr. Perfect, the less I thought about this saxophonist.

I say Mr. Perfect because I do not wish to reveal to this bloggerverse  who I am in fact talking about. They know who they are if the decide to read this or if they just accidentally come across it...

So, Mr. Perfect's cousin is my best friend's boyfriend. He came up to me one day and told me how much he liked that his cousin and I were "talking." I've never really had somebody tell me that before. It was nice to hear that somebody approved of me for somebody else. Not only that feeling, but also the feeling Mr. Perfect gave me was better than anything else I've ever felt...ever.

Every time I saw Mr. Perfect, I had the worst case of butterflies. There was no cure for these, but I didn't want them to leave. I loved this feeling...It was really something.

Seeing, calling, and texting this person were all things I looked forward to every single day. A simple "Good Morning" could put the biggest smile on my face and make my day the best it could be.

As all good things do, this small relationship I had built so carefully had come to an end. Somewhere in this rush of amazing, there was a little bit of a realization.
Life will move on in the fall. We will both have to go our separate ways, and it will be more than difficult to keep a strong relationship that is so distant. At this point, I was sad and angry. These are two emotions that don't really come and go easily. My brain was on think overload. I had no idea how to react to the situation that was just brought to my attention. Emily=Mind blown.

Being an expert at long distance relationships, I understood completely that distance isn't fun.

I'm not sure how to end this blog, I want to go on forever.

If there is one thing that I know for sure, it is this:
Mr. perfect has become quite a good friend. He respects people and isn't selfish. It's not everyday you find such a character as him. I'm hoping one day to maybe continue this relationship, but there is no telling.

There is way more to this, but I suppose my brain isn't really ready to form words that can explain it correctly.

Boarding this crazy train of confusion,
Emily Page.

P.s. I'm 18, and I don't know what I want. #SongOfTheDay

I like you.

School is out, and this girl is now a graduate of White Cloud high school! It still hasn't really hit me yet, but it will. Time to find myself a job. A small place like White Cloud should have plenty of those, right?! Pshh.. Probably not. This will be an interesting little scavenger hunt.

My bestie's open house was yesterday along with a few others. I was the last one to leave his house...I do live right next to him. He is the bestie.

After sleeping most of my day away, I took a little trip to Allendale. Although I may seem smart being in the top ten of my class, I do have my flaws. It took me probably 20 extra minutes to find the place I had set as my destination. It was well worth the trip, though. A very handsome guy met me there, and we just explored and hung out for the rest of the day.

I must have been in shock considering my whole quiet factor. I'm never quiet unless this is the case. For some reason my brain could not find the right words to say, and my mouth wouldn't allow itself to form into the shapes of the words that I couldn't think of. Words were too complex, but a kiss on the other hand was a simple and friendly way to communicate with this significant male friend of mine. He's a real sweetheart. Our next trip should be to the beach...at least that's the trip I have planned, but who knows?

I'm looking forward to the next time I see this lovely guy.

Why does my brain think until it has thunk too much?!

Time for some music and crushed ice. Satisfying my latest addictions...rather old ones that I still have.

Thinking way too much...but they are good thoughts,
Emily Page.

My weekend...and then some.

I've never been so out of whack in my entire life. Everything is screwed up, and I can't seem to make things right. My attention span is slowly fading to the bare minimum, and my memory is giving up on me. It's senior year, so my lack of motivation is sickening. I'm not quite sure what to do anymore in relation to becoming motivated again and learning how to make fun of what I have to live with every day of my life. Forgetting what I've learned is a habit that only seems to be getting worse as each day progresses. Time needs to be set aside for me to just think about life and what needs to happen to me before I go insane.

Something about a white screen makes me forget everything that I wanted to share with the internet world. From the beginning of the day to the moment I open a new post box, I have thought up many topics to ramble on about. As soon as I click the "new post" button, my brain decides to become vacant. I can't remember anything that was previously on my mind. This is very frustrating, because there is a lot that I don't understand about the world we live in. Maybe someone who comes across one of my posts can educate me on these topics as soon as they come back to me.

Graduation is weeks away, and I'm so sick of school. There is this feeling in my soul that makes me feel trapped or tied down to an anchor. My life is being held under a giant body of water, and I can't breathe. I need a super hero to come save me and give me a reason to keep on keeping on. Some inspiration would be awesome....I might start painting to create a solace for my mind.

This weekend was extremely busy for me. Usually weekends start on Friday, but mine started on Thursday. That night, I had a soccer game against Shelby. We lost by 7 which is really depressing, but I'll get over it. After the game, I had an early night, because I actually had to get up around the time I would have normally fallen asleep. Waking up with ease at 4am on Friday morning was odd. Me and mornings generally don't get along, so I must have been excited for the day ahead of me. I was at the school by 5:30am, and I had to wait for my band instructor to arrive. The doors to the school were locked, so I sat in my dad's car at the bus garage and waited with my clarinet friend who stayed the night at my house. Time passed, and we were on our way to Manistee with the band. We were escorted by a police car and a fire truck until we were out of town....the whole mile!

At state band festival, we earned a division two rating. For some reason, that made me really upset. Of course, I didn't show any emotion as I have learned not to.

Coming home was a race. I was supposed to be back to the church by 3pm only to jump in another vehicle for 3 hours. I was late as per usual, so I was upset for a moment. I then realized it would be okay.

Acquire the Fire was held in East Lancing at Michigan State University. The event took place in the Breslin Center. The preacher had the swag of my ex-boyfriend in the way he talked and told jokes. His messages were great, but there were 4 of them throughout the weekend....and they were all the same. Being in Lancing this weekend opened my eyes. I realized what I needed to do with my life, but it also sparked new questions for me to over think. I've got a new mindset, and learning to live with it will be a chore. God will certainly be there to help me along this journey.

We stopped at Cracker Barrel on the way home. We left early, because everybody agreed that the speaker was like a broken record. Cracker Barrel reminds me of road trips to St. Louis.

To come: The questions I have come up with and the ideas that seem impossible will be my next blog topic. It's been heavy on my heart, and talking about it might lead me to a sudden realization of what I'm supposed to do for not only my self, but for others as well.

Recovering from a long weekend,
Emily Page.

Brain Blurb.

I'm sick of trying to pretend that everything is okay. People see me inside of this "Emily Box," and I can never have a bad day. "Emily is always supposed to be happy." "Emily is always supposed to have good days." "Emily is always supposed to know what to do to contain herself." "Nothing bad ever happens to Emily."
Let me tell you that these statements are all lies. The devil is stepping inside of my life, and he is trying to wreck me.

It's an interesting situation. The devil isn't coming at me by himself. He is using the help of my friends and family. Every comment they make can either make me or break me, but it's my choice whether or not I let it. At this point in my life, I choose to let it make me. The sentences they spill at me will only make me stronger as a person, and they will build my mental state making me more mentally stable than most people. Life is a game, and I plan on winning.

Speaking of mental states, I've been looking into this subject quite a bit over the past few weeks. Knowing that my state of mind is similar to the muscles I use in soccer, I understand that it will only get stronger as life's challenges become more difficult. I'm ready to take on the world and overcome such stress.

People who are mentally unstable have also taught me some important lessons in life. They showed me that you won't get very far in life if you are weak. You have to use all of the obstacles in life to create an understanding of the world we live in. As difficult as that may be, it has to happen.

Just a little thought for today,
Emily Page.

These Days...Those Days...

Today was a great day to sleep in. I didn't finish my Spanish homework, and I fell asleep before I could get it done, so school didn't sound like the best place to go. There were moments when I thought I should have just went to school, but I have senioritis, and I couldn't help but remain motionless for this whole day. I couldn't even get out of bed. If my bed were a person, I could safely say that it is definitely my type. Oh, what a relationship we would have.

Speaking of relationships, I just can't seem to find one that makes me the happiest. It's really sad, but I guess it's all in God's time. Sometimes there are boys that come along and think that we have something going on, but we really don't. I absolutely hate that I can't have guy friend without them thinking there is more to our relationship than the "just friends" status. Grr. It's also very hard to find a nice Christian guy.

I do have standards, but they aren't even too high. I suppose making higher standards would lessen the chances of me finding the wrong guy and feeling bad when I tell him. This hurts my brain.

Very recently, I made friends with this very nice guy. He lives far away, but isn't that always the case? I generally only find nice guys from far away places. I hope that I have more to say about this lovely gentleman in the future.

Sunday is Winterjam! I'm super excited! This is what I need!! It will be that extra large boost that will help me on my walk with God! My life has needed a little bit of a crutch in the religious area. Actually, I need a wheel chair in that sense. I'm hopeful, and I have so many supportive people there to encourage me. It's the listening part that needs work.

Spanish homework is the last thing I want to do, but it's got to be done! I'M DONE WITH SPANISH CLASS! WHY CAN'T I JUST SPEAK SPANISH FLUENTLY?! Erm...uh...I mean, I love Spanish. I'd love it more if I already knew it.

Tonight I can't stop listening to my favorite Spotify station. It's full of Death Cab for Cutie, Zee Avi, Ingrid Michaelson, Gregory and the Hawk, Iron and Wine, and Nora Jones. I love these artists! They really strike my fancy.

So, what if I meet a very nice guy, but he doesn't believe in God. The Bible says not to yoke yourself with unbelievers, but he is so nice. I won't go against the Bible. I guess I just wish he was a Christian, because he is the nicest boy I have ever met. Maybe I could help lead him to Christ....but in that case, I don't want him to do it because that's what I want. As much as that is what I think is best, I want him to actually and truly believe that there is a God who loves us. It's very hard to promote that idea these days.

Trying to think right now is like  trying to use hash tags on Facebook. It just doesn't work out how I want it to. (Someone once told me that I was very clever with my analogies...that made me smile.)

Hmm..what if people don't even read what I have to say? Wouldn't that be silly?

This night has just begun, but it's as if I have completely forgotten how to incorporate grammar into my writing. Go figure...a lazy senior who forgets grammar.

Hopeful,
emily page.

Blog, #BecauseMarkSaidSo.

Dear blog site (even though blogging to someone/something is overrated),

It's been ages since I have had anything to make known to the world. My life is full of fun and excitement.

I wish that were a true statement. My life is just busy working on stuff for college. That's just around the corner, and I feel like I have little to no time to fit things in before it's too late. Really, I have all the time in the world.

High school just drags on. There's not much to say about it. The people there are awkward to be around...In other words...I'm the crazy one, and they think it's awkward. So really, it's not my fault. They need to be way more open-minded.

The man who hated my piercings mentioned that he is now getting used to them. It took time, but he finally became more of an accepting guy. That's just awesome.

My hair is red. This is one of the only colors I haven't had in my hair yet, and I've been told it looks great. That is fantastic, because I quite enjoy red fur. Not so much like a ginger though.

Soccer is going great. That is all I shall say, because I don't have any wood to knock on. It's my favorite thing in the world, so it better not be even close to terrible.

Tonight I am at a loss for words, but maybe I'll have something good to say tomorrow.

Promises always made, yet to be kept,
Emily Page.

Should Be Writing A Research Paper, But This Is What I Do Instead.

Tonight was incredible. It's been awhile since I've had a great feeling in my soul. Receiving division I ratings was definitely a great feeling after the scores we've had in previous years at our band Festivals. Hurray for great musicians in this small town.

This was my last high school band festival, and it was a great finish.

I can't help but feel super hurt when I hear that someone whose been nice to my face for forever really, truly hates my guts. That's awesome news right before festival too. I mean RIGHT before. I was actually standing outside the warm-up room. They have been soooo nice to me, and I have been nice back with more love than I ever show toward anyone. I am absolutely disgusted with them, and it is imperative that I let them know how I really feel about them and how two-faced they are.

....really, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.

After hearing such news, I went into a zone where I forgot my name, my location, and what it was that made me happy. My body went into zombie shock mode, and all I could do was stare at the floor. The words that I was supposed to comprehend made no sense to me at all, and my blurred vision only had focus on one spot of carpet.

I don't know why I let people fiddle with my brain like that. It's silly, really. Being "Emily" is not caring what people think and living how I feel life should be lived, but lately, Emily has been absent. Hopefully she will return soon, clear that absence, and be marked tardy instead.

Speaking about yourself in third person makes me giggle.

I've discovered that I enjoy coffee shops. If I could end each and every day with coffee, good jazz, a small laptop, glasses, and comfy clothes, it's quite possible that I have the potential to become an insanely chimerical writer. My girl Claire and I have already shown some great imaginative skills that we both possess.
Stories with rainbow smurfs, tree ninjas, karate teachers with monkey names, monkey kings, and many more interesting characters could develop into an advanced Dr. Seuss world. That, my friend, would be a chill life.

There is a mouse stuck on my bathtub drain. Silly little mouse! How in the world could it have come across such an immense obstacle? My sister may have drowned it, but we'll have to wait for its next cries...whether or not that happens will determine the fate of the mouse.

Twitter>Facebook....just saying. I haven't had very much math in my school year, so I thought I'd share some simple math for everyone. THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER.

That is all,
Emily Page.

"Words Are Kind, They Help Ease The Mind"

Today was a great day considering the fact that I was running on 3 hours of sleep and almost a full pot of coffee. Maybe it's just natural for me to feel more awake seeing how I've made this "staying awake" thing a "nightly" habit. Despite the lack of sleep, things really seem to be looking up for me in this little game of life.

There is incredibly less hate gallivanting about.

Permanent wave treatments have the raunchiest odors known to mankind. Two perms were performed in our PM cosmetology 1 class, and the hairs in my nose have been singed right out. I'm not sure I could even come up with a worse smell. Oh, how they did remind me of Chemistry though. Call me weird, but I miss the classes where I actually had to use my brain. Cosmetology is not for me.

Our concert tonight was absolutely immaculate. The clinician helped prepare us for festival on Thursday, and he had nothing but positive things to say. There was definitely improvement in our performance. Clinicians show me another perspective of the music we play, and I enjoy that.

Music is held responsible for some of the smiles that wiggle their way above my very chin. Although screamo is a genre that I quite enjoy, artists such as Jack Johnson and those similar to him tend to strike my fancy far beyond that of screamo. It chisels away at any mental edginess and creates this bubbly character inside me. Mesmerizing could be the word I'm looking for.

There is supposed to be a storm tonight. If it doesn't come, I will be a smidgen upset. School is the last place I'd like to be tomorrow.

Twitter has become yet another addiction. Something must be done to keep me away from these silly social networks! They are anchors holding me down...I'm drowning!

My 8 page research paper is due next Wednesday. That is 7 days from now. I should probably start that considering I've already had 3 weeks to complete it. Procrastination is just another chain holding me back. What am I to do to get rid of all these terrible habits I've created for myself?!

All concentration has suddenly escaped me.

Chill night with my boy Jack Johnson,
Emily Page.

When Life Brings You Lemons, Make Invisible Ink.

Last night was a pretty exciting adventure. After what was the last varsity boys home game for our seniors, Sarah and I made our way over to Jorja's house. Our boys won their game by 2 points against Mason County Central. This was only the beginning to our night.

There used to be four of us. We were the best friends that were inseparable....until recently. Something has been going on with our fourth, and she is completely segregating herself from the rest of us. We don't really know what to do or what to say to her, because she may have jumped off into the deep end. The fact that she has a boyfriend may be the case. This is something that we have always talked about and always warned each other not to become. We promised to let each other know when we became "that" best friend..the one who becomes too obsessed with her boyfriend. The one who forgets about her friends.
A few weeks ago, we had a girl's night. Our fourth friend didn't lay in the same bed with us or talk at all with us. She sat in the spare bedroom on the phone with her boyfriend. After her phone conversation, she just left. She said she wanted to go home to sleep in her own bed. What does one do about their lost friend?!

Our night was fun despite the fact that one of our fantastic four were missing. That was disregarded. It's no use fretting over the inevitable.

It was around midnight when we decided we needed to make a run to Walmart. The "inside dogs" needed food, or they were going to starve.

At Walmart, this boy was paid two dollars to talk to us, and I was the only one who was considered "single and ready to mingle." Oh, goodness. He was there with his best friend and best friend's girlfriend. He would have given up at his one and only task had we not suspected something and interrogated him. Walking through the pet isle once to pick up dog treats and another time to put them back was just a little too obvious. We found out his name, where he was from, how old he was, what his friend's name was, where he lived, where he went to school, what he was doing, who his parents were, what they did for a living, whether or not his friend's mom had a dog, and some more personal information. He was just a hole that was being dug at...and our shovels were pretty sharp.
He left us at the check-out in Walmart, but we saw him again outside. I think he was trying to get away from us. We forced him to get into the truck with us in which we would take him home. He entered with little fight, and he tried to flirt but made no success.
We dropped him off at his house and left. It was an interesting little kidnapping that took place.

The kidnapee later tried to add us on Facebook.
Riiiight..because we are going to try to see HIM again.

Sarcasm- Just another language in which I speak fluently.

Jaylah is my niece. She just turned three, and she absolutely loves her auntie(me) when she's supposed to be sleeping. I usually let her play with her books and toys on my bed. On occasion, she will lay right next to me and imitate everything that I do. She is darling..also very smart. She pointed out that my twitter background is a picture from Angry Birds and that a picture on Facebook was her cousin Jakiah! Her little giggle always makes me smile! I love her.

Today was a lazy day. There was much to think about, but all I did was eat and sleep. It's a shame, really.

I'm beginning to wonder why I try sometimes. Things work out better for me when I don't plan for them to happen. Maybe I should fly by the seat of my pants from now on.....yeah right.

I may have lost one of my best guy friends today. This was very weird for me, because he knows everything about me and is okay with the things he knows. Today must have been an off day, because he became angry with me. Now I just don't know what to do. If HE is upset and not talking to me, then something I'm doing must really be wrong. He is a very accepting guy.

I hate the fact that once I figure one thing out, there will always be something else...

Solving an unfinished puzzle,
emily.page.

Fact Not Fiction For The First Time In Years

Another day has flown right by being ever more closer to the day I am finished with high school. There are parts of me that will be sad that it's over, but the rest of me will be more than glad when it's finally done. College is something I cannot wait for, because living in a new home and with new people is something I know will be interesting. High school has become the root of all evil, and I wish to find the exit. Three months left...I shall stick it out to the very close.

Facebook has taken over my life. I am a real addict in the worst of real life addictions. I can't go a single day without checking my Facebook! Twitter has the same effect. The world of technology is taking over planet Earth! Pretty soon, people will not know what to do with themselves. We will all be living for the latest of gadgets. It's a sick obsession, really. This very moment, I shall try my very best to tone it down.

Tonight....or shall I say last night, I sang the National Anthem yet again. Again, there were more compliments which always make me feel so wrong. I feel as though I shouldn't be given so much praise.

Throughout the day, I think of sooo many things that I could include in my wonderful blogs, but I seem to forget them. How tragic/! I need to start keeping a notebook of all the fascinating things that rush to my brain at random. It has been noted that I may have memory loss.

Sleep is still something that I still don't see very much of. This isn't anything too bothersome to me, but I really wish it were easier to sleep. Maybe I need somebody to hold me until my brain finds a state of rest. I can't really fall asleep in my parents' arms anymore. Sometimes I wish I could. This is the point in life where I enjoy becoming my own person, but I'm still holding onto the way things used to be.

Spotify is my very best friend. I can listen to any playlist I want, whenever I want.

Hmm. There are times when I wonder certain things about other people. I wonder what they think about, how often they think about certain things, if the things we think about are ever similar, and if maybe anyone ever thinks of me. My mind wanders everywhere and I think too terribly much about everything, but there are definitely more of certain thoughts than others. It drives me absolutely insane when people are hard to read. I've been told that I am that way, but I really have no idea. People, especially guys, who are mysterious or hard to read are the ones that I find attractive, but at the same time, they drive me up the walls and into the deepest of oceans. Maybe one day I will learn to further understand these people.

Tonight might possibly be a good night. My brain is functioning seemingly well...I will still probably have to keep a small memory book.

Yesterday, our senior class found out who was in the top ten. I am tied for number 7. I'm okay with this, because I know that I could have done better, I just chose not to. There are other people on the other hand that were upset to hear where they sat in the class ranks. It upsets me when people are upset about being number 4. They fail to recognize the fact that our number one takes college classes that are 5.0 classes...and they don't do half bad in these classes. Well, I'm no one to judge, and I don't want to be just another complainer...I'll leave this one to dry up like a raisin.

The snow has finally stopped...SPRING IS ALMOST HERE! That means soccer is closer than before. I am full of pure excitement! I need to start getting in shape...I'm a procrastinator!

I would write so much more, because I'm beginning to remember everything at once, but some people just don't appreciate blogs that never end.

Until next time,
Emily Page.

P.s. I really like middle names for some reason.

Monday.

Monday, February 20, 2012. Today was my soul sister's birthday!! I made my way down to Allendale earlier to see her and give her something sweet. We met up, but she was on the way to one of her classes. I wish I would have made legitimate plans with her. There will have to be a next time, because we definitley need a day.

I dropped a ring off to Briefs today. He wasn't actually the person I handed the ring to, but that matters not. It was the only thing left that was there to keep us connected, and I cut that string into pieces. This was the right row to hoe. I'm more than positive about it.

The last visit I made today was a great visit. One of my dearest friends and I walked around the GV campus for at least 20 minutes before we knew for sure that this person was home. Turns out, they were home before we thought, and we couldn't help but laugh at ourselves. How silly are we?!

After going at least 5 months without seeing this person, it was absolutely amazing to see them. Hopefully I will see them again very soon.

There was more to say, but I can't quite remember what it was I had to say. There is only one thing on my mind at the moment, and I will have to share my mental activity later.

I think I'm making a habit of this whole forgetting thing. Maybe I have memory loss.

Babies are crying, and I'm being driven insane.

With a smile brighter than yesterday's sunshine,
Emily Page!

Unknown Inspirations

You could most definitely tell that today was Friday. The morning had a late start, but it turned out pretty okay in the end. My first two classes were simple, but band class was another story. I don't know what it was about this morning, but we did not play up to our musical standards. It's disappointing having days such as this to say the absolute least. I'm not even sure why we sounded so off today. Maybe it was because we tuned our instruments. Generally, we don't do that, because it's good to practice listening and becoming in tune with the simplest of embouchure changes. Hopefully Monday is a better day.

The hair competition only scoots closer and closer with each minute that passes by. I'm not even going to say that I'm the least bit excited. For some reason, being in this Cosmetology class has wrecked me. I don't even enjoy doing my own hair as of late. It's but a phase. I'll get over it quick, fast, and in a hurry. The only reasoning behind me not doing my hair is because I don't sleep at night, and I'm too tired when I wake up in the morning. I'll start sleeping again eventually.

This morning, our Spanish sub taught us about Argentina. She studied abroad there. Everything she had to say was interesting, and I actually enjoyed the lesson rather than wanting to sleep. Might I say that Spanish class IS first hour. Spanish is a lovely language, and I'd love to speak it fluently. I'm getting there.

My research paper for English class is due in a little less than a month. I've decided to do some research on an African Politician. There is a surprising amount of excitement being shown for this. That's unexpected. I strive to do well, for it will be my last English project in high school.

Yesterday was a perfect day to go for a run. Soccer season is just around the corner and I need to be shapely. Monday marked my first actual run in months. I ran a mile, easily, but that's not good enough. I've got to run until I can't anymore. Six pack don't hold back. Also, I should probably work out along with these long distance runs. Running won't get me the abs I once worked for.

A muscle working massage is great after a long run. My massage therapist asked me what I needed work on. Naturally, my legs were sore after a first time run, so she worked out those muscles. I felt like a new woman. She must be a wizard, because my legs shouldn't feel this great right now. Maybe after a few more runs.

After a long afternoon spent at the hospital with my nephew, the end result is a headache. I was supposed to go to the best friend's house, but I'm not feeling so hott. On top of that, there's a freak storm outside, and the roads are all ice. The thunder also makes it a promising night. My sleep deprivation is getting to my head. Sleep is probably the best choice anyways.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Waking up bright and early on a Saturday was the last "to-do" on my list to check off. This week is snowcoming week, and the seniors have to work on their banner tomorrow for the class competition. It's the last competing we will do and the last spirit week we will have. This year is full of sad days. Oh, well. They give me something nice to remember. Our senior class is the best class ever in all seriousness. It's a good year to win. Just like junior year...and sophomore year...and freshmen year. Like I said, our class is awesome.

Not going to lie, this headache makes the world a brighter place..in a literal sense. Everything is louder too. My fingers are pounding away at the keys on this keyboard, and I'm almost annoyed with myself. Now, that's a good stitch of pain. I do have to mention, it's been awhile since I've had a headache this severe. I'll live. Naturally.

Today was a good day, I guess. My mind is reorganizing, and I can actually remember what I wanted to say...Seeing how this blog is showing potential to be a bit lengthy, I shall begin again tomorrow. There is much to say, and my brain is finally back in my head. Curse the mindless Emily! I've got you now!

With so much more to share,

Emily Page.

A Flower Quickly Fading

How could a wonderful week such as this one be coming to an end within the next 24 hours?! One full of stress and hard times, my friend, finally taking it's last few strides before the mile is over. My feelings could be compared to a crumbly cookie that was baking for too long in the oven. I am the oven, and my feelings are the baked good. They have been cooped up inside me for so long, they were forgotten and had begun to crumble. I forgot that they are also like refrigerated produce. They spoil after so long and need to be released somehow. Taking a trip to the compost.. I'm tired of being the blah Emily. That's not who I am, but lately and quite honestly, I don't really know who I am.

College is something I look forward to, but it takes an awful lot of time and energy...two things I've run out of. Scholarships and paying for everything I need in order to get somewhere in life have kicked me in the face and left bruises. I'm beginning to see the true meaning of a busy life. I can do this. (Phillipians 4:13)

Wednesday night showed me too much about myself. Before church, I made my way to the local coffee shop with the youth pastor's wife. The words that rolled from her lips explained every single obstacle I was facing before I even told her about them. Either she knows me all too well, or she's clever and pays attention. The mystery still remains. Her intentions are to be my friend and to understand me. She does a good job if I do say so myself. 

I learned that I am in the Emily box. Never aloud to leave, no matter what. People see me in this box like I'm on house arrest. They see everything I do correctly, everything that works out for me, and basically everything that doesn't require a difficult path for me. Other people come to me to understand them and fix their problems, but little do they know..I have problems of my own. It just goes back to the little box that I'm stuck in. "Emily's not allowed to be sad, mad, upset,..anything but happy." Here's the thing, it's hard to be happy when you've spent all of your time figuring things out for others. It's time that I understand and figure things out for myself.

Cosmetology is a waste of my time. It's a great class, and I wish I had the gumption to finish the class to get my license. There are simply more important things in my life to worry about. Sure having a job at a salon during college could get me somewhere, but that's not really what I want. And this competition I am competing in really doesn't spark my interest anymore. Being good at things I'm sick of doing really doesn't help me in any situation. I need to find the one thing I love the most!

Music really helps me get through the day.

Soccer is coming up in two weeks! I am more than excited! This wicked sport is my one and only release. I used to be able to say the same about volleyball, but I've learned to loathe that particular sport. Some things just become boring or less enjoyable. Soccer isn't, has never been, and won't ever be boring. It's aggressive, and I can channel my energy toward a goal...whether it be literally or figuratively. Maybe I'll learn to know what it feels like to love something so special again. I haven't the best of luck with things like that.

My strengths really show when I play soccer. It brings out my inner beast..in a good way. It's a passion.

There is a hair competition on Monday. I'm far from excited. Every idea I ever had has escaped my mind. Maybe it will come back when I'm under pressure. That's what I'm hoping anyways.

My brain is so scattered right now. I try so hard to think about one thing at a time, but I can't. There is too much to remember at once, and it's like a dial-up computer with 10 windows open...it gets too busy and tries to shut down after freezing a bit.

That might be me. Hopefully someday in the near future, I can regather all the thoughts I once made my own. If that's not soon, I might need brain therapy. Do they even have that?

Thinking too much for my own good,

Emily Page.

P.s. The English project I shared in my last blog earned me a perfect score.

P.s.s. For some reason, this blog feels incomplete....oh, well.

The True Meaning Of Deep...Poetry, and Flowers.

My job was to explain the meaning of a few poems in something as simple as an essay. One poem was called The Fly, another named The Sick Rose. Both poems were written by William Blake and have a meaning deeper than the words on the pages. There were more poems, but these were the ones that I found to be most intriguing to me. This was the outcome of my major project:

Anxiety, Randomness, and All That's In Between.

Oh, what interesting paths we pave for ourselves. This past week sure was a trip with all the anxiety I've had. Church usually calms me down and reminds me what I live for, but tonight, I was agitated with a statement the pastor made. There have been recent complaints in the church about my nose and lip rings, but I looked past them. People can judge me all they want even though they shouldn't. God will still love me the same. I went to church tonight hoping for that little reminder, then the pastor said, "You know, I really shouldn't say this..." (which really he shouldn't have...then he continued..) "..but I really don't like those people with all the piercings and tattoos..."
Awesome. That made me feel so much better after walking in with an uneasy heart from the start...Why can't people be more accepting?

This morning, I had a really great thought that I figured I should elaborate on. During the Christmas service, pastor compared and contrasted Santa to Jesus. That seemed interesting the way he "compared" them. As I opened up that thought this morning, I realized that Santa isn't worthy enough to be compared to Jesus. That also led me to believe that childhood stories are overrated and they shouldn't be told. Most people tie Bible stories in with other mythical stories (i.e. the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, etc.) they tell their kids. As children get older, they stop believing these silly stories. If we categorize stories of Jesus in with these "silly stories," don't you think children will stop believing in Jesus as they get older too? That's something to think about.

Most of the people I talked to about me having so much anxiety told me that I needed to stop thinking so much. They could be right, but I started thinking about things that I had once forgotten. My brain was way too flooded with old memories. I wanted so badly to have all of these things at the same time. Knowing that was impossible triggered these nasty feelings deep inside me. My stomach turned until it felt completely blended by dull knives. This is a feeling I once compared to a common cold in a mental sense. I needed a tissue so I could "blow my nose" and clear up my congestion. In this case, I suppose my "tissue" was God. He is there to carry my heavy burdens. That in itself makes my smile brighter.

St. Louis sounds better and better with each coming day. This special place also contributes to the anxiety I have. If I could be anywhere, it would be in St. Louis. Everything about it makes me a happier person. The last time I was there was for the fourth of July and even then it was just to help clean out my grandpa's house. That was lame. I should probably buy that house for myself. Anyways, the day came where we had to begin our journey back to the mitten. That was a sad day. I begged to stay in "the Show-Me-State" for the rest of the summer, but that was a joke to the rents. As soon as I stepped into my spotless bedroom, I never left it. I slept for three days straight, because I was too depressed to do or think about anything that wasn't St. Louis. This, my friends, is why I added this lovely city to the list of things that seem to feed my anxiety. Being away from St. Louis makes it the worst.

I'm not sure why today was the worst of all days for me. I do believe that I had an anxiety attack. Maybe I'm wrong, but I was hyperventilating, my stomach was folded like laundry, I couldn't eat, my brain was flashing like a strobe light, I was having heat flashes, and I just wanted to break down. Luckily, everything appears to be alright now, but we'll have to wait it out to see the final outcome.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day. It's the day I start working out again. I've completely lost the body I had, and I'm quite upset about that. I should never have stopped running or started eating more. Silly me. Now I get to run until I can't. That's all in good measure, though. It might even help to relieve all the stress I have built up.

In English class, we read a poem about a dying rose. My project was about what it meant for this rose to be dying. I thought this was interesting considering some conversations I've had about roses. Maybe I shall include my "rose" thoughts in my next blog. That should be interesting.

Stay tuned...
Emily Page

Remembering That Bouquet But Forgetting About What It's Missing

Tonight I had a very interesting conversation with an old friend. It's been so long since we've shared words with each other. I'm so glad we got to catch up. I love people and talking!

When I got home from school, I took the longest nap ever. Talk about a power nap! Every second of sleep was simply amazing to say the least. During this 4 hour nap, I had a dream. In this dream, I was the owner of an electric blue Mini Cooper. That is my absolute favorite car ever next to one of those VW hippie vans...and Kia Souls! The dream was so real, and there was so much disappointment when I woke up. I've got to start writing down my dreams now that I think of it. They always seem to escape me when I want to share my sleep thoughts with someone.

Flight of the Conchords is always a day brightener when the clouds seem to overpower any rays of sunshine. They are from New Zeeland, and I am in love with them! I really encourage people to check them out when they have a chance. Just remember that I have an odd sense of humor.

There is so much on my mind right now; I might go crazy. There is a slight chance that I have already made it there, but I like to be optimistic and say that being crazy isn't bad at all.

There are all of 2 people that read my blog. (two people that I know anyways.) Sometimes I don't mind this. I'd rather tell complete strangers about my life over the internet anyways. Isn't that how most girls do it? Whoa. Just kidding. I am not most girls. Most girls are stupid. This is simply an escape.

Lately, my blogs have been extremely drab. At one point, they were super awesome. There was something that made my brain create such an amazing museum of words for the public eye. Now, I'm not really sure what that was or where it went. Pardon me for the next few months while I find myself and the words that used to make me sound half interesting.

My attention span is abou...

Oh, how I wish I could concentrate enough to remember what it was I was going to type..

I lied....I remember what it was.

My spotify playlist has been set to jazz. Jazz makes me smile and it reminds me of why I like the saxophone.

Maybe tomorrow night will be a better night for my brain.

Sitting, waiting, wishing,...should be sleeping,
Emily Page.

P.s. While re-reading this, I realized that some of the things I said made sense in the order they're in, but it wasn't meant to be that way. For now, I will keep it the way it is. It makes me giggle.

Alice? Hardly.

I've been over-thinking the idea of a tattoo. There are so many choices, but I want to get a tattoo that fits ME! I'm super unusual and unique, but I suppose everybody is unique. The members of my church really don't support this particular style of expressing myself. All they have are opinions. It really just makes me angry. We even had a debate where we looked up in the bible where it says we shouldn't get tattoos. This is what it said:

"Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourself. I am the LORD." -Leviticus 19:28.

This was super disappointing to read, but then I did some more research. Reading all of Leviticus 19:23-28 proved something else to me. In this passage, God is telling the covanent people to stay away from other religious practices that will lead them astray. Practices such as eating bloody meat, fortune telling, certain hair cutting similar to priests of false cults, cutting or marking the body for dead relatives, etc.. These prohibited religious practices do not refer to tattoos meant for the decor of the body. Decorative tattoos aren't always used for connections to cultic religious worship. That's just silly.

Anchor tattoos really strike my fancy. I read in another blog that it symbolizes stability..and unwillingness to change. That's not always a bad thing.

Hurray for tattoos!

On saturday, I went to Solo and Ensemble in Cadillac. I played my flute in a duet and in a trio as well. It was a very successful day after earning a Division I rating for both performances. After such a great day, I remembered how much I love participating in these out-of-school, musical activities! Blue ribboned medals sure do look great on my jacket!

I ran into somebody that lies a lot...that little encounter always hurts the worse, and it's always sore for awhile afterwards.

I have recently bumped into a predicament...I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'm sure it will be okay. We shall see.

These were my thoughts for the moment. I wish I had a long enough attention span to spill some more thoughts on this page. I used to be able to dump out the whole dish of beans...something might have happened between then and now, but I'm not quite absolute about that.

Waaaaay full of it, and it's still early,
Emily Page.

You Are The Power To My Sarcastic Being.

This girl is absolutely frustrated beyond compare. I just reeeeeally love it when people tell you they will "put you on blast" the next time they see you. Well, my room is less than five steps from yours. COME AT ME! You're the one who went into my bedroom and started looking through my objects without checking with me first. Asking the simple question "What are you looking for?" didn't seem so harsh at the moment, but I suppose I was wrong. You were right? How about you were wrong. You don't own my life. Be as angry as you want with me, but I'm over you and your stupidity! I tried shrugging it off, but I'm fed up to my eyebrows with your bologna. The thing that really gets me is the fact that you wouldn't even bother to tell me what it was that you wanted. I would have told you if I had it. You choosing to give me the silent treatment and storm out of my room didn't solve anything. Putting this little problem on Facebook right after the fact just makes me giggle inside. There is nothing more I can do for you. I wasn't being rude, I was showing frustration, because it's a tad bit rude of YOU to go through somebody else's belongings when you have no intention of telling them what your actual intentions are. Thank you for showing me what being an ignorant jerk looks like. I've commit this to memory for the future.

Phew. There is so much more I could say, but I have to hold back. Quite recently, I learned that it's never good to make your feelings public. Somebody might figure them out. Weird.

Some people call it being mean; I call it sarcasm. Call it what you want, but I will most likely still use this highly intellectual communication technique in the majority, if not all, of my encounters with that of the stupid culture.

I'm not letting anybody tear me down. ENOUGH of this negativity! That's the last thing I want on my mind.

Tonight was a great night for watching some old Grand Valley State Laker Marching Band videos on youtube. I strive to be a member of this band. Anything about it fills me with joy! The Drum Majors are fantastic, and they do an awesome job at making one feel welcome. Next year will be a great start to my college career.

Spotify adds make me angry...I just want to listen to my music!

Tonight is an off night just like the rest. Tomorrow will be an early morning with solo and ensemble right around the bend. Allendale will be my next stop on this journey. There is a pretty special person I'm just itching to see! I haven't seen them in a very long week.

My eyes are closing...but I've got much more to share. Until next time...

A very tired,
Emily Page.

Back To My Random Self...But I Dig It.

A day of massages. That's my kind of day right there. In my cosmetology class, I received a pedicure complete with a foot and leg message. Immediately following, I was scheduled for a full body massage at the local chiropractor. I am super relaxed. Maybe I will actually get some sleep tonight. There was a time in my life where I actually wanted to be a massage therapist. That's a joke now. Do you know how many people I would have to touch?! YIKES! Choosing a career with a little less slimy contact would better suit me. Enough about my future. That seems to be all I think about these days.

Today, just like yesterday, I am the happiest person alive. There is no doubt. This wicked, awesome guy keeps making my days brighter! How in the world could I be so lucky to have run into him?! My smile stretches so wide when I even think of him...There is a slight chance I will be young with wrinkles around where my smile paints itself, but here's the thing: I don't mind to terribly much! There are so many good things I could say about him to this Bloggerverse, but I will wait. Like I said, it's but the prologue. My story will be fantastic, though.

Today I didn't attend any of my morning classes. Our PAC group went straight to a meeting with groups from other schools! This morning was exciting, and I am a little proud of being in such an amazing group with such spectacular people! We truly want to make a difference in this world. I believe that with my whole heart.

After the meeting, my bestie, Mark, and I went to lunch. He ate Taco Bell. Taco Bell reminds me of the Spanish language. I love it! We had an hour before we had to be back to our classes, so we decided to have some fun. Our imaginations brought us right to the front doors of Dunham's. Soon after we walked in, we started a game put put golf? I'm not sure of the technical term for the legit game we played. We just about tested every putter we saw lined up for purchase. Our curiosity carried us away to the exercise machines...I've never been such a kid. Our journey ended with a tasteful duet on the car ride back to the tech center. I just love my bestie.

Music. It's something nobody can live without. There is so much passion in the making of every song no matter what type of music it is. Over time, I've learned to appreciate (There are two p's in appreciate) all genres of music. To be honest, they are all pretty likable. In my own opinion though, I prefer screamo over rap and classical over country. Country is almost the worst, but I appreciate it.

There are anchors painted on my big toe nails.

In another thought, I want to get my teeth bleached. They aren't discolored, but I want them to be WHITE!

Soccer season is coming here soon after winter is over. I hate waiting! I talked to a few of the girls on my team. It's going to be a good season! I miss them quite a tidbit. I'll have to start working out and preparing. It's time to click out of lazy mode. 

I just realized there is much to accomplish in little time.

Busier than ever,

Emily Page.

P.s. I absolutely LOVE bacon!
Phew, glad I got that off my chest.

On Days I Feel Blah...

Just another amazing day has passed right by. Today more blah than most, but whose to say those days can't still be as awesome?! There really isn't too much on my brain today.

Into another direction, there is something that is usually ALWAYS on my mind! He's got a name. Most guys tend to have those. He makes me smile! Every morning starts off with a little chat before I go to school and he goes to work. Just like that, he makes my day a whole day of sunshine brighter. Around 5:00pm he gets out of work...that's possibly my favorite part of the day! Talking to him makes me a better person...in a way. My ultimate favorite time of the week, though, is the weekends. I basically see this sweet boy every weekend! I sure hope that keeps working out! I'm beginning to really fancy such an awesome guy.

Ice crunching keeps my from going insane. When I have absolutely nothing to do, I chew ice. I've heard that it's not too good for your teeth (which scares me a little considering the money that went into having my teeth perfected), but it's become a mental addiction. I enjoy it all too much.

Although it may not seem so close, but summer will soon be here. Soccer season comes before that, and I am super stoked. My plan is to get in super shape before soccer then stay in tip-top shape for my summer apparel. Swimsuits don't look good on just anybody! Six pack, don't hold back! That shall be my motto!

God has got me again! I have been struggling with my relationship with God, but now I really want to try to better it. As I take a moment to stop and look around me, the world is becoming an evil place. The evil is dragging me down with it, and that's not what I want. I used to have the closest walk with God, and I followed him every step of the way. Now, my feet don't really fall in to the footsteps made for me to walk in. Life is throwing itself in my face, and I'm giving in. I've got to be strong. God is there to help me, and all I have to do is what he says and has planned. Who I am strives to be who I've been, and who I've been hates who I am. Time and dedication is all it takes.

Music helps me stay on track. It's something I can relate to on my off days.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have something worth saying.

Just another blah day,
Emily Page.

Not Quite Ocean Deep

Tonight was a fantastic night as I sat in my bed since 7:00pm reading my book. It sparked quite an interest in me, but I am really very upset with the ending. To put it in other terms, I simply do not like when people die at the end of the story. Hamlet was a good example of a story that tunes you in just in time to rip your heart in half at the close...Darn books. Now I have to find another book that will ease my brain of the sorrow. That shouldn't be too hard. Also, this Reese's peanut butter cup might be just what I need to sweeten the mood. All in all, I learned a little more about the lives people live and how the world can be so cruel. Learning will be something that happens everyday, no matter what.

For the past month or so, it is possible that I have been one of the happiest people alive. Sure there were some obstacles that I had to overcome, but that wasn't anything God couldn't help me with. With His help, I have completed yet another race in my marathon of life. I am moving on to bigger and greater things, and I am more than willing to leave my past as my past as I look forward to my future.

Going back to when I said I was possibly one of the happiest people alive, I really think I might be! I've smiled every day since I've met this very special guy, and talking to him is my favorite part of every single day! There was a point in my life where I thought I would, in the words of George Michael, "never dance again." Guys were never really good to me. All this has changed. A guy that I never really thought about before a month ago turned out to be someone I think about every second. My smile has never been brighter, my laugh has never been healthier, my eyes have never shone with such sparkle, my heart has never felt so warm, and my stare has never been so intense...and yes, I have a pretty intense stare. It is only the beginning, but that's the joy in a fresh start. I have the chance to be who I want to be. I want to be the girl for him, because it really feels right this time. Like I said, it's only the prologue, I've still got the rest of my story to write...better yet, to let fall into place.

My best friends are some pretty awesome people. In a previous blog, they may have been talked down on, but they really do try. I love them to death, and I would do anything for them. Truthfully, I miss them and how close we used to be. Hopefully I can rekindle our friendship or at least make time in my busy schedule for them. It's been a minute.

I have a habit of forgetting to sleep at night. This is something I really don't have a problem with, but I know I should probably start sleeping when I'm supposed to. Being sleep deprived is something I deal with on the daily, but I'm a pretty happy person when I'm robbed of my sleep. People notice.

Despite my talk of failure to sleep, tonight will be a good night to start a new habit...at least until the school year is complete.

Looking beyond the shadow,
Emily Page.

Sliver of Myself

It's hard to explain a girl like me. Some may use the word crazy, or even weird. I am perfectly okay with either. The word I like most to describe myself is "accepting." With each and every day, there are new stereotypes created only to make the world a harder place to live in...harder for people to show love. No matter how people choose to live their life, I will still love them the same. I've been in hard situations where people realize that I don't support what they do, but in the end, they come to see that I'm still there to love them.

Trust is something I have a hard time with. There are many people who have blown up the idea of something so sacred. Most of my "friends" think they can break trust right in half then go ahead and scoot their way around it. They think I don't notice, but little do they know. A lot more goes on in my brain than people think. Nobody really knows me like they think they do. I wish they would just read what I have to say. Then and only then will they know what 's on my mind. Speaking what I feel out loud is hard for me. I feel like I have a limited audience, and this audience is still hard of hearing. The only ones that listen are the ones that already know. They are the smart ones. Everyday is a new learning experience. I learn who I can and can't trust, and I learn all about how people's brains work these days. It's really quite interesting.

Aside from everything else, I absolutely love having fun and being positive! Dancing is something I find myself doing even when there is no music to dance to. When there are moments of silence, I like to break out in song hoping someone's day might be a smidgen brighter. Smiles are great, and I love seeing them as well. Sad faces make me upset, and being upset is never fun! I'm all about fun!

There is much to learn about me for those who would like a lesson, but until next time...