Today was full of so much anxiety. I haven't felt like this in ages. If there's one thing guys are really good at, it's making me feel extremely anxious in the worst of ways.
This morning, I decided to be a little difficult and text Mr. Perfect. I'm more than willing to bet he is already confused with the situation he's in, and I had to go and rough things up a smidgen more for him. Sometimes I find myself doing things that are completely unnecessary. This was one of those things.
A hint of anger was all it took for me to decide that I was going to show someone how I truly felt for the first time in a long time. Anger is one of the many emotions that I forget to reveal at it's golden moment. For no reason in particular, today was the day I remembered that it was okay to be angry. Words slipped out that weren't supposed to, and I rolled out sentences that made no sense and were inappropriate for the time being. Let's just settle with...I was acting a fool.
There is really no apology that will make everything better. Nothing will be the same or how I wanted. In a sense, I feel as though I messed things up, but in reality, things happen. Things that you don't really expect are the ones that you should have expected all along. I'm getting used to the situation, but I don't want to. I'm becoming okay with the fact that I won't wake up to a "Good Morning" text from Mr. Perfect, and I'm probably not going to be chilling with him anytime soon. Other guys text me, but it's not the same. The feelings aren't there, and forgetting about the feelings I have for Mr. Perfect will be a very arduous task.
Blink 182 has been playing from my Spotify all night. Although this is Mr. Perfect's favorite band, I'm not just listening to it because it reminds me of him. This music group used to be one of my favorites as well, and I forgot how much I enjoyed a good listen.
At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. Moving on is an option and I've done it many times before, but this time it feels different. It's not as easy.
Guys have already been trying to get a hold of me, and for what?
My friend from North Carolina has mentioned that he's sure a there's a line of guys waiting for me. That's not what I want to hear. I'm sure some girl would be flattered and think that's a nice compliment, but I don't want those guys...I want one, one that has already struck my fancy and without really even trying.
This, for lack of better terms, sucks.
Don't ask me how my heart is doing,
emily.page.
P.s. On a more positive note, I hope to be on my way to St. Louis at this time tomorrow.
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