Recent Thoughts

My transfer from Grand Valley to Ferris was a little rough. I was pretty late getting all of my information in, so my class list wasn't made until days before class actually started. I'm starting to get into the swing of things, but there are a few things that might continue to upset me this semester.

My communications professor, she is a little off. At first this didn't bother me. It didn't start to bother me until she started telling the whole class that we are going to fail because we don't listen.

I don't know if she realized this, but I was surely listening to this nasty assumption about an academically inclined group of students.

Professors like her make me angry.

We were told to give a speech about what makes us angry. She, in fact, makes me angry. Oddly similar to my writing professor at Grand Valley, she is closed minded. Anything that isn't done her way is the wrong way...unless it's a speech that you are passionate about giving....then she will decide to give that same speech as an example and tell you that you fail if you give the speech even the least bit similar to her speech.

I might write a book. My thoughts are so scattered, but all I have to do is organize. I don't even care if it takes years to get my thoughts onto a page. My thoughts overfill my poor mind. It needs a good cleaning. Putting my thoughts into a book is like saving information from my computer onto an external hard drive. 

It could be very well worth it. If a computer crashes, the hard drive still holds such sensitive but  important information. If I were in a bad car accident that caused me to forget things, I'd still have my own important memories saved into my external hard drive....in other words, my book.

This is...awkward.

It's been awhile since I've taken time to do a check up on my life at any certain point.  There are very few things that actually trigger my sense of creativity...the things that lead me to process a well thought out blog post.  This is a day blog, so my thought track isn't exactly on point, but it's definitely time to take out the trash.  I might actually be able to think straight.

We'll see.

I'm trapped.  Stuck in this life I never thought I'd live. Am I really falling into the position of the underdog? Is someone who owns a name other than my own seriously controlling my every move? It hurts.  This is the kind of claustrophobia of which I've always been afraid.  Loved for who I am, or loved for the person others  have created?  This question is a tough one, and I'm dreading the honest answer.

Country music has been so gentle to my ears as of late. Is this a phase?

Waiting is something upon which I do not look too fondly. Waiting once for something is okay, but continually having to wait for that something is too obnoxious for me to even withstand.

Have I become a people pleaser, trying so hard to make sure everything is okay on the other end, when in all reality I haven't been keeping myself happy? Do I even know what it means to be happy? I'm learning way too much about how hard life may be when you stay worried.

*sarcastic laugh* Worried? What do I have to be worried about?

Love. While listening to the song, "What is Love?" by NeverShoutNever, I ask the same question.
What is it exactly?  Is it giving up on yourself, having to have somebody else by your side always? Who knows... I try not to over analyze what it could mean.

Reading back to all of my previous blog posts, I thought to myself, "What could possibly possess me to think in such.....awkward....ways?

It's the middle of the day, and I have done nothing but write. What's gotten into me?! I've also been going to bed at reasonable hours.

The hardest I've tried to think in months,
Emily Page.

P.s. I have to be in school for what looks like more than 9 years...yay.

Your friend, my friend, why aren't we all friends?

All hell broke loose this past week. The exact reason as to why remains a mystery, but I guess it's another learning experience. Life gave me lemons, and I'm making nothing short of the best lemonade ever to be consumed by man.

Let's talk about "friends."

What does it mean to be a friend?

In this life, we are given the chance to meet people. We can choose from the moment we meet them whether or not we care to have them as a  part of our life or if we choose to deny their presence while continuing our search for friendship. Having always been an accepting person, I wonder why the search has to be so difficult. There is no logical reason as to why process of elimination is used when judging such things as appearance, hygiene, or social class. Do people feel as though they are too high class to befriend somebody who is less fortunate than they? That seems pretty ignorant, but the world is an imperfect place.

Everybody is my friend until they give me a reason not to trust them. I hate that it has to be that way, but some people simply decide not to be trustworthy.

Friendship is something that is super important while traveling life's narrow paths. Picking and choosing can be difficult. As much as I feel that everybody should be friends, it just can't happen. There are so many judgmental people in the world; it's nearly impossible.

Even after finding the right friends, you might even begin to realize how wrong they are for you. It seems silly, but after working so hard to be a good friend, it hurts to find out that they didn't work the same. They didn't put forth the same amount of energy to keep the friendship alive and healthy. Best friends aren't supposed to speak negative words about each other, and they surely aren't supposed to lead others to think ill of them either. It still happens.

Why?
It's the question I ask in most posts, but it's the most fitting. It is also yet to be answered.

People will try to work words into sense, but how could they do that when they don't even know what it means to reason?
I've run into this problem far too many times with the same person and multiple times with other people. I've come to understand the true meaning of Deja Vu.

While running through a field of poppies today, I stopped to think about how these simple little flowers are so similar to the complexities of life. Why is it that some of these flowers grow big, some grow small, some are pink, some are red, and some are white? What makes them so different? Well, some parts of the field might not receive the same amount of sunlight, some might rest in a little different soil than the others, and some might absorb water better than others. Just like humans, these flowers have obstacles...things that affect the way they grow which contributes to their appearance.
We have obstacles. Things that step in our way forcing us to grow in different directions are everywhere. As different as we make ourselves seem, we are truly all the same, and we need the same care just as the flowers do. The small flowers aren't offered less water because they are small, and the pink flowers aren't offered more sunlight just because someone thinks they are more beautiful.

All is beautiful.

The world is caught up in a large misunderstanding. We are similar but remain different to those who refuse to see otherwise. Those who refuse to see otherwise are usually the people who lead unhappy lives with shallow friends...if they have any.

Aside from that thought, I am thankful for the caring friends that actually comprehend the term "friendship" and follow the golden rule.

Wasn't even prepared to have a deep thought today,
Emily Page.

P.s. I guess what I'm trying to say in this post script is that I'm done trying harder for people who won't try at all.

P.p.s. Violence is never okay...........unless it's necessary violence.

Thoughts on "Why?"

As much as I shouldn't care, I can honestly say that I despise my ex boyfriend's girlfriend. I mean, I ended things with him over a year ago, and I don't know him enough anymore to say anything, but she is totally untrustworthy. She writes in her online journal about how she isn't totally sure about being with him. If you say you love somebody, then you shouldn't be unsure. Obviously she is unsatisfied.

I've never been more satisfied with anybody in my life than when I was with my most recent ex boyfriend. Sure things didn't work out, and that happens...I'm still wondering why, but it happens. I never told him that I loved him, but while I was with him, I thought I knew for sure that I'd be beyond satisfied with him for the rest of my life. There was never a moment of wondering if things could have been better, because I thought I had the best.
That's the kind of attitude she should have, but she doesn't. It doesn't matter if she's young. Telling the world how she feels while hiding it from the person that should matter the most to her is never okay. I did that once when I was a little younger, then I figured out that it was purely asinine. It would never be okay to do that to the one you refer to as "the love of your life." Granted, when I did it, I was 12 and didn't have a "love of my life."

Why do I laugh at the stupidity that is revealed so effortlessly in this world?

I'm not one to judge, but I can most certainly allot my opinion to whomever may come across it. This IS my mode of release.

Corresponding with always, my question being "Why?,"
Emily Page.

P.s. Love is real if you choose to believe in it. Don't be a Cynical Sinjin. Believe in love.

Always Okay.

I'm not broken, just bent. These words describe me as I fall back into the single life. There is nothing that even compares to the pain one feels while going through a beak-up. It's hard for both parties, but there is one thing that should always follow in your train of thoughts; It will always be okay. I've commit this to memory, and I full-heartedly believe that it is 100% true.

After only 2 months, I have forgotten what it was like to be single. Having boyfriends is most certainly not my scene, so when I do find myself in a relationship, that person is really special to me.

My last boyfriend was very special to me. I would still travel the whole world just to know that he is doing well, just to know that he is alright. Although we aren't a couple, we are still in a relationship. It's the kind of relationship guys and girls are lucky to find. We are comfortably close, and I'm okay with that. He deserves to have a friend who will always be there. I want to make sure that he isn't deprived of that, because everybody should have a friend who won't fail them.

Waiting for him to figure himself out seems ridiculous, but I don't think it would be a bad deal. I am also trying hard to sort my own thoughts and beliefs.

Memories slowly fade, but those moments that I fell in love with will never leave my head. These are what I have to keep me mentally alive and active. These are the things that show me that no matter what happened, I am blessed to have such wonderful thoughts dancing around in my mind.

Music.

Music plays ever so smooth while caressing my soul. It's just what I need to help me understand that I will in fact be okay.

Friends.

Friends are going to be there for me, but to be brutally honest, I hate going to my friends with a sorry heart. At that point, being alone is best. It helps me to think clearly and to release built up stress that no true friend should have to be exposed to. As willing as they are to invite themselves into the ways of emotional  torture, I want my friends to know a happy Emily.

Sad Emily rarely makes an appearance anyways.

Family.

My family glows with support for me. Their kind words always make me feel better, but it is the same with them as it is with my friends; I would rather they experience more of the happy Emily than anything else.

Emotions are not something I tend to be great at, but as I have learned everything else, expressing myself will come with time. Jotting my feelings down as they come and go really helps me. After spending the majority of my life bottling up my emotions, finding a way to release them poked a healthy sized hole into a balloon that would have burst at any given moment.

God.

God is there for me though all of my troubles. He is the only one to whom I can give my full faith and trust.

There are times when I am talking to friends while realizing that they don't know God like I do. As true as it is that they are free to believe anything that they want, it really creates this ache in my heart. Maybe the ache will go away if I help those to know God and his love like I do.
What if they are completely against what I have to say? What if they are more educated in science than I am in the Bible? What if I fail? Do I keep trying knowing that they might come to loathe me?

Yes.

Christians don't have to be hated, though. They can choose to encourage and not judge. They can be discovered by unbelievers in wonderful ways. All they have to do is love unconditionally. It seems hard and like something that only Jesus Christ can accomplish, but it doesn't hurt to try. Besides, doesn't the bible say that we should strive to be LIKE Christ?

Tonight will be a night full of sleep...or not, but we'll see.

Ever-confused, but working through it,
Emily Page.

Wide Ranges? Oh Well.

This feeling. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, but it leads to tears that shed so consistently down my face. Every drop has meaning. When will I understand this meaning? I have finally burst; my emotions have broken free from their prison. It's hard to even see my computer screen through such a waterfall. It hurts, but it feels so wonderful all in the same minute. There's hardly a soul who will understand where I'm coming from as I cannot fathom this place on my own. I've never been here before; why am I here now? 

I pray. I pray hard.

My heart beats fast as I drown in my own worries. My stress has built up into as much as a sharp pain that shoots from my neck down to my finger tips. The cure is hard to find, but I refuse to stop looking until it is safely within reach. I want to be healed of this sickness. Is it a sickness, really? No. It's an exercise for my mind. I strive to have everything figured out. Right now, I am far from those remaining in that group of wants. It is impossible for everything to be figured out. Having everything means having nothing. Nothing to push for, nothing to give me a drive...nothing. At this point, happiness sparks from the work put-in in order to not fully achieve, but to simply inch toward my hopes and dreams.

Learning is fun.

Reality is finally hitting hard, leaving bruises overlooked by the eyes of every passerby. Bruises only felt deep within oneself. Deep within me. They remind me what I live for...

God.

Would the average Joe look at me and know who I live for and why? Would my attitude portray that of a young woman living through Jesus Christ? 

Everything that I do should trace back to the reason I believe humans exist. 

I want people to look at me and say, "Wow, look at her! She's so loving and overflowing with happiness! I want that too!"

In order to share love with the world, one must know what love is. The only way to know love is to know God, because God is love.

The feeling that I aim to know is quite lovely. I hope someday to befriend it and share it with the world. 

Love,

Emily Page.

This harmonica toots like it's alive!

What is it that God is trying to tell me? There is something inside me that is telling me that I'm wrong, that I don't know what I want even after knowing my whole life. I've known my whole life that I've wanted to live in St. Louis, but is it possible that I have always been mistaken? As much as I want to figure that out, I'm not quite sure how to go about asking God what his plans are for me. Listening is something I'm good at, but I've never tried to listen to God in this situation. Now seems to be the time, so I might as well put some Q-tips to use. My ears will need to be ready for anything.

Two dates have passed already where I was supposed to be on my way and starting a new life. It's difficult to believe that something I'd be stuck with has already begun to pester me half to death. Who's to say it wouldn't soon put me in my grave?

I'm not looking to be driven crazy. No thank you.

So far, I've thought pretty deep into this whole listening subject. Clues that lead me to stay in Michigan aren't making themselves bumps on my road of travel, but I've found myself stopped at a cliff. I don't want to jump off only to be stuck somewhere I don't belong.

Ethan.
There has never been a situation where I used somebody's real name in a blog, but...
Ethan.

Ethan ran into me while I was with a previous crush. Silly stories of ladies denying his cheesy pick up lines danced from his lips. My comments tore those ladies to pieces as they must be members of some NubClub. Any girl using fake numbers to turn down a nice guy has to be a real nub.

I taught Ethan how to get a girl's real number while actually giving him my own. How that happened, quite frankly I don't care. I just love that it happened. And now I am falling...into what I am unsure...but who cares? I'm falling into the arms of someone who will be there, no doubts.

Ethan is silly.
Ethan is wonderful.
Ethan is my boyfriend.
...and I like him! =]

Into a new pair of shoes, today's fruit is the lemon. There are countless uses for this magical citric wonder, but for the internet world, I leave two:
1. Applying the juice from half a lemon to the face can help clear skin.
2. Fresh lemon juice can help accomplish weight loss.

Pickles, Pickles, PICKLES!

My best friend has an ex boyfriend. Here are my thoughts:
  He is a bad kind of crazy.
  He is a liar of many sorts.
  He is very manipulative.
  He should be in politics.
  I don't like him.
  He can lick my big toe(words used by my angry grandmother).

Done due to sheer laziness,
Emily Page.

P.s. My sleep schedule is back to the norm.

Facebook..

Today, Facebook asked me how I was feeling. After awhile of staring at the computer, I decided that the question was rather ridiculous. There is absolutely no way possible that Facebook could ever understand or relate to anything that I happen to be going through. It doesn't quite grasp the concept of what it means to feel. This thought then sparked another. What if this is just a fix for all of the people out there with Facebook addictions?! What if Mark Zuckerburg created this site for more than just connecting to friends with distance. People don't necessarily have to let the whole Facebook world know what they are doing, how they are feeling, or what's on their mind at all hours of the day.
This is what I've figured out:
Facebook is for both people who have friends that don't care and people who don't realize how much their friends do care. If these people did in fact know they were appreciated, they wouldn't have to keep updating Facebook in order to find attention from people who most likely don't even care about them as a Facebook friend.
This is where I've discovered the negative effects of having a Facebook.
It keeps people from the real world.
It gives confidence to people who would never confront somebody face to face.
It creates false images of people.
It brings out ones inner creeper.

There are then a third type of people who use Facebook. That type of person is me. I am the one who uses Facebook for no such reasons but to post statuses that make people think. We all know that there are people who, if it weren't for Facebook, would never use their brain.
My stati are only made to confuse people, because I'm an evil soul.

That's enough for today's thought.

Loving this Jesus music,
Emily Page.

Subtracting you...solving math's problems.

Nobody. That's who I've learned that I can trust. Giving someone who is not yourself the power to break your heart is the biggest mistake anybody can make especially when you are expecting it. I don't know why I'm so upset about something I could see coming from three hours away.

And so it happens again. This anxiety will be the death of me, but don't take that too literally. As unbearable as it can be, this too shall pass. It's one thing to call me a weirdo knowing that I am already aware of the fact, but it is most certainly another thing to call me a weirdo in hopes to offend me. That really eats at the soul.

I'm sick. Sick of judgmental people. I thought I was pretty accepting. Turns out I was wrong. I don't accept rude, inconsiderate jerks who feel it is in their place to judge the rest of us. Nobody needs that in their life, because it only creates a hurt that's incurable. My hurt...still numb, so why must I try to cure it? Why not just throw a smile on top like a poncho? I'm laughing. There is no reason for me to hurt like this.

It all started the day after Relay for Life. I should have said no. There is no way it was acceptable for me to be out with no phone, no sleep, and no knowledge of where I was going. There would have been one less jerk and one less problem. I suppose if they want nothing to do with me then it's not so much a problem...for me anyways. I haven't stopped trying, and that's where the problem lies but not in my own hands. It's in their hands. Am I in the wrong for making this mess bigger than it needs to be knowing I don't have to clean it up?
...nahhhh.

It is so clear to me now. I've fallen. To get up, I'd be living! So, why not live?!

Nothing more.
Emily.