Always Okay.

I'm not broken, just bent. These words describe me as I fall back into the single life. There is nothing that even compares to the pain one feels while going through a beak-up. It's hard for both parties, but there is one thing that should always follow in your train of thoughts; It will always be okay. I've commit this to memory, and I full-heartedly believe that it is 100% true.

After only 2 months, I have forgotten what it was like to be single. Having boyfriends is most certainly not my scene, so when I do find myself in a relationship, that person is really special to me.

My last boyfriend was very special to me. I would still travel the whole world just to know that he is doing well, just to know that he is alright. Although we aren't a couple, we are still in a relationship. It's the kind of relationship guys and girls are lucky to find. We are comfortably close, and I'm okay with that. He deserves to have a friend who will always be there. I want to make sure that he isn't deprived of that, because everybody should have a friend who won't fail them.

Waiting for him to figure himself out seems ridiculous, but I don't think it would be a bad deal. I am also trying hard to sort my own thoughts and beliefs.

Memories slowly fade, but those moments that I fell in love with will never leave my head. These are what I have to keep me mentally alive and active. These are the things that show me that no matter what happened, I am blessed to have such wonderful thoughts dancing around in my mind.

Music.

Music plays ever so smooth while caressing my soul. It's just what I need to help me understand that I will in fact be okay.

Friends.

Friends are going to be there for me, but to be brutally honest, I hate going to my friends with a sorry heart. At that point, being alone is best. It helps me to think clearly and to release built up stress that no true friend should have to be exposed to. As willing as they are to invite themselves into the ways of emotional  torture, I want my friends to know a happy Emily.

Sad Emily rarely makes an appearance anyways.

Family.

My family glows with support for me. Their kind words always make me feel better, but it is the same with them as it is with my friends; I would rather they experience more of the happy Emily than anything else.

Emotions are not something I tend to be great at, but as I have learned everything else, expressing myself will come with time. Jotting my feelings down as they come and go really helps me. After spending the majority of my life bottling up my emotions, finding a way to release them poked a healthy sized hole into a balloon that would have burst at any given moment.

God.

God is there for me though all of my troubles. He is the only one to whom I can give my full faith and trust.

There are times when I am talking to friends while realizing that they don't know God like I do. As true as it is that they are free to believe anything that they want, it really creates this ache in my heart. Maybe the ache will go away if I help those to know God and his love like I do.
What if they are completely against what I have to say? What if they are more educated in science than I am in the Bible? What if I fail? Do I keep trying knowing that they might come to loathe me?

Yes.

Christians don't have to be hated, though. They can choose to encourage and not judge. They can be discovered by unbelievers in wonderful ways. All they have to do is love unconditionally. It seems hard and like something that only Jesus Christ can accomplish, but it doesn't hurt to try. Besides, doesn't the bible say that we should strive to be LIKE Christ?

Tonight will be a night full of sleep...or not, but we'll see.

Ever-confused, but working through it,
Emily Page.

Wide Ranges? Oh Well.

This feeling. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, but it leads to tears that shed so consistently down my face. Every drop has meaning. When will I understand this meaning? I have finally burst; my emotions have broken free from their prison. It's hard to even see my computer screen through such a waterfall. It hurts, but it feels so wonderful all in the same minute. There's hardly a soul who will understand where I'm coming from as I cannot fathom this place on my own. I've never been here before; why am I here now? 

I pray. I pray hard.

My heart beats fast as I drown in my own worries. My stress has built up into as much as a sharp pain that shoots from my neck down to my finger tips. The cure is hard to find, but I refuse to stop looking until it is safely within reach. I want to be healed of this sickness. Is it a sickness, really? No. It's an exercise for my mind. I strive to have everything figured out. Right now, I am far from those remaining in that group of wants. It is impossible for everything to be figured out. Having everything means having nothing. Nothing to push for, nothing to give me a drive...nothing. At this point, happiness sparks from the work put-in in order to not fully achieve, but to simply inch toward my hopes and dreams.

Learning is fun.

Reality is finally hitting hard, leaving bruises overlooked by the eyes of every passerby. Bruises only felt deep within oneself. Deep within me. They remind me what I live for...

God.

Would the average Joe look at me and know who I live for and why? Would my attitude portray that of a young woman living through Jesus Christ? 

Everything that I do should trace back to the reason I believe humans exist. 

I want people to look at me and say, "Wow, look at her! She's so loving and overflowing with happiness! I want that too!"

In order to share love with the world, one must know what love is. The only way to know love is to know God, because God is love.

The feeling that I aim to know is quite lovely. I hope someday to befriend it and share it with the world. 

Love,

Emily Page.