Today wasn't too terribly awful. Mr. Saxobeat played on my Spotify this evening, and that had it's own special way of cheering me up. I'm sure to the world, rather people who read any of my blogs, I seem like a sad and depressed mug. Although it looks that way, anyone who truly knows me knows that I can never be sad for a long period of time. There is too much in life to be excited about!
Right now isn't one of those exciting, happy moments, but I like to think it is. The brighter side gives me a better tan.
Speaking of tan, whilst I was mowing my lawn in my swimsuit, I caught a few rays. My feet are still pretty white, and I have a faint TOMS tan line, but the rest of me has bronzed quite nicely.
Completing ab workouts has become but a chore. I love having my summer body year round, but I suppose I've been eating way too much bacon. My six pack is gone, and my motto, "Sick pack don't hold back" rolled right to the back of my noggin only to be forgotten.
Wait a tick, it has not been forgotten...since I remember, I might as well stick to it.
My bed is calling my name, but I'm not tired. Staying awake only makes me think about the worst things can be, but going to bed will only make me dream about those things. I debated which would be worse for me. So far, staying awake would be best. Sleeping only creates a more realistic setting for my thoughts to tell their story.
Why is this worse than the first time around? Why is it possible for guys to make girls feel like this? Why can't I control when I do and don't feel like this? Why aren't our brains synced with our hearts? Why is it so difficult to find someone who fancies you just as much as you fancy them?...Why am I so stupid?
Hmm. That last question really got me. Why am I so stupid? I'm not stupid. My body only wants me to think this is worse than the first time around. Guys have no power over me. I can control what I do and who I am with which in turn will control my level of emotion. The brain sends signals to the heart, so they ARE synced, I just have to figure out what each feeling means....and last but not least, God fancies me just as much as I fancy him, and when that's the case, I don't need to worry about guys and if they fancy me. If they don't? Cool. If they do? Right on.
Blogging helps me see through the stained glass windows in life.
Sleep doesn't sound so terrible at this point.
Nothing short of an optimist,
Emily Page!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
My only question is Why?
Today was full of so much anxiety. I haven't felt like this in ages. If there's one thing guys are really good at, it's making me feel extremely anxious in the worst of ways.
This morning, I decided to be a little difficult and text Mr. Perfect. I'm more than willing to bet he is already confused with the situation he's in, and I had to go and rough things up a smidgen more for him. Sometimes I find myself doing things that are completely unnecessary. This was one of those things.
A hint of anger was all it took for me to decide that I was going to show someone how I truly felt for the first time in a long time. Anger is one of the many emotions that I forget to reveal at it's golden moment. For no reason in particular, today was the day I remembered that it was okay to be angry. Words slipped out that weren't supposed to, and I rolled out sentences that made no sense and were inappropriate for the time being. Let's just settle with...I was acting a fool.
There is really no apology that will make everything better. Nothing will be the same or how I wanted. In a sense, I feel as though I messed things up, but in reality, things happen. Things that you don't really expect are the ones that you should have expected all along. I'm getting used to the situation, but I don't want to. I'm becoming okay with the fact that I won't wake up to a "Good Morning" text from Mr. Perfect, and I'm probably not going to be chilling with him anytime soon. Other guys text me, but it's not the same. The feelings aren't there, and forgetting about the feelings I have for Mr. Perfect will be a very arduous task.
Blink 182 has been playing from my Spotify all night. Although this is Mr. Perfect's favorite band, I'm not just listening to it because it reminds me of him. This music group used to be one of my favorites as well, and I forgot how much I enjoyed a good listen.
At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. Moving on is an option and I've done it many times before, but this time it feels different. It's not as easy.
Guys have already been trying to get a hold of me, and for what?
My friend from North Carolina has mentioned that he's sure a there's a line of guys waiting for me. That's not what I want to hear. I'm sure some girl would be flattered and think that's a nice compliment, but I don't want those guys...I want one, one that has already struck my fancy and without really even trying.
This, for lack of better terms, sucks.
Don't ask me how my heart is doing,
emily.page.
P.s. On a more positive note, I hope to be on my way to St. Louis at this time tomorrow.
This morning, I decided to be a little difficult and text Mr. Perfect. I'm more than willing to bet he is already confused with the situation he's in, and I had to go and rough things up a smidgen more for him. Sometimes I find myself doing things that are completely unnecessary. This was one of those things.
A hint of anger was all it took for me to decide that I was going to show someone how I truly felt for the first time in a long time. Anger is one of the many emotions that I forget to reveal at it's golden moment. For no reason in particular, today was the day I remembered that it was okay to be angry. Words slipped out that weren't supposed to, and I rolled out sentences that made no sense and were inappropriate for the time being. Let's just settle with...I was acting a fool.
There is really no apology that will make everything better. Nothing will be the same or how I wanted. In a sense, I feel as though I messed things up, but in reality, things happen. Things that you don't really expect are the ones that you should have expected all along. I'm getting used to the situation, but I don't want to. I'm becoming okay with the fact that I won't wake up to a "Good Morning" text from Mr. Perfect, and I'm probably not going to be chilling with him anytime soon. Other guys text me, but it's not the same. The feelings aren't there, and forgetting about the feelings I have for Mr. Perfect will be a very arduous task.
Blink 182 has been playing from my Spotify all night. Although this is Mr. Perfect's favorite band, I'm not just listening to it because it reminds me of him. This music group used to be one of my favorites as well, and I forgot how much I enjoyed a good listen.
At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. Moving on is an option and I've done it many times before, but this time it feels different. It's not as easy.
Guys have already been trying to get a hold of me, and for what?
My friend from North Carolina has mentioned that he's sure a there's a line of guys waiting for me. That's not what I want to hear. I'm sure some girl would be flattered and think that's a nice compliment, but I don't want those guys...I want one, one that has already struck my fancy and without really even trying.
This, for lack of better terms, sucks.
Don't ask me how my heart is doing,
emily.page.
P.s. On a more positive note, I hope to be on my way to St. Louis at this time tomorrow.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Topping off this bitter sweet life of mine...Confusion.
It's wonderful to be back on this blog site. There hasn't been much to share recently, but lately is another story. My last blog went on about this guy that won my heart over. I'm here to tell you that there is way more to my life than this simple game in which he won the first round. He was looking to hurt me, and I was somehow willing to let him. Waiting until I was 18 seemed like a legit decision for this 20 year old fellow until I realized what his intentions really were. Something about this guy really intrigued me. It was as though nobody else could compare. What girl wouldn't fall for a guy who tried to understand them, make them feel great, and better yet, blog about them?! Seriously!!! A BLOG!! That's a little ridiculous if you ask me, but then again what is it that I am doing here?
Lately rather than recently, I was kidnapped by my best friends. This was out of the normal for me considering how my parents are with me and leaving the house. I really didn't want to go anywhere that night. It was early in the evening, but I had been up for a rocking 31 hours. Relay for Life was the day and night before, and I was deader than a doorknob. Being sleep deprived is my scene, but I was more than hoping to catch up on sleep for the past day and a half. Working on three hours of shuteye and two very close friends of mine stole me right out of bed. They drug me to the car and took me to a friends house. My parents didn't know where I was, and I couldn't tell them. My phone was broken. I'm lucky they still love me after coming home a day later than I should have.
Being here was a drag. I could never tell them, but I was tired. What more can one expect?!
It got deeper and deeper into the night when my best friends told me about this guy that was "perfect for me." I had a hard time believing that there was anybody more meant for me than this older saxophone player. When the guy that was "perfect for me" showed up, I didn't really think that there could/would ever be anything between us. We turned out having pretty similar tastes, but I was still not convinced. I went home the next day without really saying goodbye, so I did what any other Facebook addict would do...I searched for him on "Stalkbook" and left him a message. I said nothing but a simple thanks for taking care of me the night before. It was a little rough, but there's no need to go into detail.
Sparking this conversation brought me away from everybody else in the world. It takes somebody really special to take my mind off of the guy I had originally felt was right for me. The more I talked to Mr. Perfect, the less I thought about this saxophonist.
I say Mr. Perfect because I do not wish to reveal to this bloggerverse who I am in fact talking about. They know who they are if the decide to read this or if they just accidentally come across it...
So, Mr. Perfect's cousin is my best friend's boyfriend. He came up to me one day and told me how much he liked that his cousin and I were "talking." I've never really had somebody tell me that before. It was nice to hear that somebody approved of me for somebody else. Not only that feeling, but also the feeling Mr. Perfect gave me was better than anything else I've ever felt...ever.
Every time I saw Mr. Perfect, I had the worst case of butterflies. There was no cure for these, but I didn't want them to leave. I loved this feeling...It was really something.
Seeing, calling, and texting this person were all things I looked forward to every single day. A simple "Good Morning" could put the biggest smile on my face and make my day the best it could be.
As all good things do, this small relationship I had built so carefully had come to an end. Somewhere in this rush of amazing, there was a little bit of a realization.
Life will move on in the fall. We will both have to go our separate ways, and it will be more than difficult to keep a strong relationship that is so distant. At this point, I was sad and angry. These are two emotions that don't really come and go easily. My brain was on think overload. I had no idea how to react to the situation that was just brought to my attention. Emily=Mind blown.
Being an expert at long distance relationships, I understood completely that distance isn't fun.
I'm not sure how to end this blog, I want to go on forever.
If there is one thing that I know for sure, it is this:
Mr. perfect has become quite a good friend. He respects people and isn't selfish. It's not everyday you find such a character as him. I'm hoping one day to maybe continue this relationship, but there is no telling.
There is way more to this, but I suppose my brain isn't really ready to form words that can explain it correctly.
Boarding this crazy train of confusion,
Emily Page.
P.s. I'm 18, and I don't know what I want. #SongOfTheDay
Lately rather than recently, I was kidnapped by my best friends. This was out of the normal for me considering how my parents are with me and leaving the house. I really didn't want to go anywhere that night. It was early in the evening, but I had been up for a rocking 31 hours. Relay for Life was the day and night before, and I was deader than a doorknob. Being sleep deprived is my scene, but I was more than hoping to catch up on sleep for the past day and a half. Working on three hours of shuteye and two very close friends of mine stole me right out of bed. They drug me to the car and took me to a friends house. My parents didn't know where I was, and I couldn't tell them. My phone was broken. I'm lucky they still love me after coming home a day later than I should have.
Being here was a drag. I could never tell them, but I was tired. What more can one expect?!
It got deeper and deeper into the night when my best friends told me about this guy that was "perfect for me." I had a hard time believing that there was anybody more meant for me than this older saxophone player. When the guy that was "perfect for me" showed up, I didn't really think that there could/would ever be anything between us. We turned out having pretty similar tastes, but I was still not convinced. I went home the next day without really saying goodbye, so I did what any other Facebook addict would do...I searched for him on "Stalkbook" and left him a message. I said nothing but a simple thanks for taking care of me the night before. It was a little rough, but there's no need to go into detail.
Sparking this conversation brought me away from everybody else in the world. It takes somebody really special to take my mind off of the guy I had originally felt was right for me. The more I talked to Mr. Perfect, the less I thought about this saxophonist.
I say Mr. Perfect because I do not wish to reveal to this bloggerverse who I am in fact talking about. They know who they are if the decide to read this or if they just accidentally come across it...
So, Mr. Perfect's cousin is my best friend's boyfriend. He came up to me one day and told me how much he liked that his cousin and I were "talking." I've never really had somebody tell me that before. It was nice to hear that somebody approved of me for somebody else. Not only that feeling, but also the feeling Mr. Perfect gave me was better than anything else I've ever felt...ever.
Every time I saw Mr. Perfect, I had the worst case of butterflies. There was no cure for these, but I didn't want them to leave. I loved this feeling...It was really something.
Seeing, calling, and texting this person were all things I looked forward to every single day. A simple "Good Morning" could put the biggest smile on my face and make my day the best it could be.
As all good things do, this small relationship I had built so carefully had come to an end. Somewhere in this rush of amazing, there was a little bit of a realization.
Life will move on in the fall. We will both have to go our separate ways, and it will be more than difficult to keep a strong relationship that is so distant. At this point, I was sad and angry. These are two emotions that don't really come and go easily. My brain was on think overload. I had no idea how to react to the situation that was just brought to my attention. Emily=Mind blown.
Being an expert at long distance relationships, I understood completely that distance isn't fun.
I'm not sure how to end this blog, I want to go on forever.
If there is one thing that I know for sure, it is this:
Mr. perfect has become quite a good friend. He respects people and isn't selfish. It's not everyday you find such a character as him. I'm hoping one day to maybe continue this relationship, but there is no telling.
There is way more to this, but I suppose my brain isn't really ready to form words that can explain it correctly.
Boarding this crazy train of confusion,
Emily Page.
P.s. I'm 18, and I don't know what I want. #SongOfTheDay
Monday, June 4, 2012
I like you.
School is out, and this girl is now a graduate of White Cloud high school! It still hasn't really hit me yet, but it will. Time to find myself a job. A small place like White Cloud should have plenty of those, right?! Pshh.. Probably not. This will be an interesting little scavenger hunt.
My bestie's open house was yesterday along with a few others. I was the last one to leave his house...I do live right next to him. He is the bestie.
After sleeping most of my day away, I took a little trip to Allendale. Although I may seem smart being in the top ten of my class, I do have my flaws. It took me probably 20 extra minutes to find the place I had set as my destination. It was well worth the trip, though. A very handsome guy met me there, and we just explored and hung out for the rest of the day.
I must have been in shock considering my whole quiet factor. I'm never quiet unless this is the case. For some reason my brain could not find the right words to say, and my mouth wouldn't allow itself to form into the shapes of the words that I couldn't think of. Words were too complex, but a kiss on the other hand was a simple and friendly way to communicate with this significant male friend of mine. He's a real sweetheart. Our next trip should be to the beach...at least that's the trip I have planned, but who knows?
I'm looking forward to the next time I see this lovely guy.
Why does my brain think until it has thunk too much?!
Time for some music and crushed ice. Satisfying my latest addictions...rather old ones that I still have.
Thinking way too much...but they are good thoughts,
Emily Page.
My bestie's open house was yesterday along with a few others. I was the last one to leave his house...I do live right next to him. He is the bestie.
After sleeping most of my day away, I took a little trip to Allendale. Although I may seem smart being in the top ten of my class, I do have my flaws. It took me probably 20 extra minutes to find the place I had set as my destination. It was well worth the trip, though. A very handsome guy met me there, and we just explored and hung out for the rest of the day.
I must have been in shock considering my whole quiet factor. I'm never quiet unless this is the case. For some reason my brain could not find the right words to say, and my mouth wouldn't allow itself to form into the shapes of the words that I couldn't think of. Words were too complex, but a kiss on the other hand was a simple and friendly way to communicate with this significant male friend of mine. He's a real sweetheart. Our next trip should be to the beach...at least that's the trip I have planned, but who knows?
I'm looking forward to the next time I see this lovely guy.
Why does my brain think until it has thunk too much?!
Time for some music and crushed ice. Satisfying my latest addictions...rather old ones that I still have.
Thinking way too much...but they are good thoughts,
Emily Page.
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