Oh, what interesting paths we pave for ourselves. This past week sure was a trip with all the anxiety I've had. Church usually calms me down and reminds me what I live for, but tonight, I was agitated with a statement the pastor made. There have been recent complaints in the church about my nose and lip rings, but I looked past them. People can judge me all they want even though they shouldn't. God will still love me the same. I went to church tonight hoping for that little reminder, then the pastor said, "You know, I really shouldn't say this..." (which really he shouldn't have...then he continued..) "..but I really don't like those people with all the piercings and tattoos..."
Awesome. That made me feel so much better after walking in with an uneasy heart from the start...Why can't people be more accepting?
This morning, I had a really great thought that I figured I should elaborate on. During the Christmas service, pastor compared and contrasted Santa to Jesus. That seemed interesting the way he "compared" them. As I opened up that thought this morning, I realized that Santa isn't worthy enough to be compared to Jesus. That also led me to believe that childhood stories are overrated and they shouldn't be told. Most people tie Bible stories in with other mythical stories (i.e. the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, etc.) they tell their kids. As children get older, they stop believing these silly stories. If we categorize stories of Jesus in with these "silly stories," don't you think children will stop believing in Jesus as they get older too? That's something to think about.
Most of the people I talked to about me having so much anxiety told me that I needed to stop thinking so much. They could be right, but I started thinking about things that I had once forgotten. My brain was way too flooded with old memories. I wanted so badly to have all of these things at the same time. Knowing that was impossible triggered these nasty feelings deep inside me. My stomach turned until it felt completely blended by dull knives. This is a feeling I once compared to a common cold in a mental sense. I needed a tissue so I could "blow my nose" and clear up my congestion. In this case, I suppose my "tissue" was God. He is there to carry my heavy burdens. That in itself makes my smile brighter.
St. Louis sounds better and better with each coming day. This special place also contributes to the anxiety I have. If I could be anywhere, it would be in St. Louis. Everything about it makes me a happier person. The last time I was there was for the fourth of July and even then it was just to help clean out my grandpa's house. That was lame. I should probably buy that house for myself. Anyways, the day came where we had to begin our journey back to the mitten. That was a sad day. I begged to stay in "the Show-Me-State" for the rest of the summer, but that was a joke to the rents. As soon as I stepped into my spotless bedroom, I never left it. I slept for three days straight, because I was too depressed to do or think about anything that wasn't St. Louis. This, my friends, is why I added this lovely city to the list of things that seem to feed my anxiety. Being away from St. Louis makes it the worst.
I'm not sure why today was the worst of all days for me. I do believe that I had an anxiety attack. Maybe I'm wrong, but I was hyperventilating, my stomach was folded like laundry, I couldn't eat, my brain was flashing like a strobe light, I was having heat flashes, and I just wanted to break down. Luckily, everything appears to be alright now, but we'll have to wait it out to see the final outcome.
Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day. It's the day I start working out again. I've completely lost the body I had, and I'm quite upset about that. I should never have stopped running or started eating more. Silly me. Now I get to run until I can't. That's all in good measure, though. It might even help to relieve all the stress I have built up.
In English class, we read a poem about a dying rose. My project was about what it meant for this rose to be dying. I thought this was interesting considering some conversations I've had about roses. Maybe I shall include my "rose" thoughts in my next blog. That should be interesting.
Stay tuned...
Emily Page
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