"Words Are Kind, They Help Ease The Mind"

Today was a great day considering the fact that I was running on 3 hours of sleep and almost a full pot of coffee. Maybe it's just natural for me to feel more awake seeing how I've made this "staying awake" thing a "nightly" habit. Despite the lack of sleep, things really seem to be looking up for me in this little game of life.

There is incredibly less hate gallivanting about.

Permanent wave treatments have the raunchiest odors known to mankind. Two perms were performed in our PM cosmetology 1 class, and the hairs in my nose have been singed right out. I'm not sure I could even come up with a worse smell. Oh, how they did remind me of Chemistry though. Call me weird, but I miss the classes where I actually had to use my brain. Cosmetology is not for me.

Our concert tonight was absolutely immaculate. The clinician helped prepare us for festival on Thursday, and he had nothing but positive things to say. There was definitely improvement in our performance. Clinicians show me another perspective of the music we play, and I enjoy that.

Music is held responsible for some of the smiles that wiggle their way above my very chin. Although screamo is a genre that I quite enjoy, artists such as Jack Johnson and those similar to him tend to strike my fancy far beyond that of screamo. It chisels away at any mental edginess and creates this bubbly character inside me. Mesmerizing could be the word I'm looking for.

There is supposed to be a storm tonight. If it doesn't come, I will be a smidgen upset. School is the last place I'd like to be tomorrow.

Twitter has become yet another addiction. Something must be done to keep me away from these silly social networks! They are anchors holding me down...I'm drowning!

My 8 page research paper is due next Wednesday. That is 7 days from now. I should probably start that considering I've already had 3 weeks to complete it. Procrastination is just another chain holding me back. What am I to do to get rid of all these terrible habits I've created for myself?!

All concentration has suddenly escaped me.

Chill night with my boy Jack Johnson,
Emily Page.

When Life Brings You Lemons, Make Invisible Ink.

Last night was a pretty exciting adventure. After what was the last varsity boys home game for our seniors, Sarah and I made our way over to Jorja's house. Our boys won their game by 2 points against Mason County Central. This was only the beginning to our night.

There used to be four of us. We were the best friends that were inseparable....until recently. Something has been going on with our fourth, and she is completely segregating herself from the rest of us. We don't really know what to do or what to say to her, because she may have jumped off into the deep end. The fact that she has a boyfriend may be the case. This is something that we have always talked about and always warned each other not to become. We promised to let each other know when we became "that" best friend..the one who becomes too obsessed with her boyfriend. The one who forgets about her friends.
A few weeks ago, we had a girl's night. Our fourth friend didn't lay in the same bed with us or talk at all with us. She sat in the spare bedroom on the phone with her boyfriend. After her phone conversation, she just left. She said she wanted to go home to sleep in her own bed. What does one do about their lost friend?!

Our night was fun despite the fact that one of our fantastic four were missing. That was disregarded. It's no use fretting over the inevitable.

It was around midnight when we decided we needed to make a run to Walmart. The "inside dogs" needed food, or they were going to starve.

At Walmart, this boy was paid two dollars to talk to us, and I was the only one who was considered "single and ready to mingle." Oh, goodness. He was there with his best friend and best friend's girlfriend. He would have given up at his one and only task had we not suspected something and interrogated him. Walking through the pet isle once to pick up dog treats and another time to put them back was just a little too obvious. We found out his name, where he was from, how old he was, what his friend's name was, where he lived, where he went to school, what he was doing, who his parents were, what they did for a living, whether or not his friend's mom had a dog, and some more personal information. He was just a hole that was being dug at...and our shovels were pretty sharp.
He left us at the check-out in Walmart, but we saw him again outside. I think he was trying to get away from us. We forced him to get into the truck with us in which we would take him home. He entered with little fight, and he tried to flirt but made no success.
We dropped him off at his house and left. It was an interesting little kidnapping that took place.

The kidnapee later tried to add us on Facebook.
Riiiight..because we are going to try to see HIM again.

Sarcasm- Just another language in which I speak fluently.

Jaylah is my niece. She just turned three, and she absolutely loves her auntie(me) when she's supposed to be sleeping. I usually let her play with her books and toys on my bed. On occasion, she will lay right next to me and imitate everything that I do. She is darling..also very smart. She pointed out that my twitter background is a picture from Angry Birds and that a picture on Facebook was her cousin Jakiah! Her little giggle always makes me smile! I love her.

Today was a lazy day. There was much to think about, but all I did was eat and sleep. It's a shame, really.

I'm beginning to wonder why I try sometimes. Things work out better for me when I don't plan for them to happen. Maybe I should fly by the seat of my pants from now on.....yeah right.

I may have lost one of my best guy friends today. This was very weird for me, because he knows everything about me and is okay with the things he knows. Today must have been an off day, because he became angry with me. Now I just don't know what to do. If HE is upset and not talking to me, then something I'm doing must really be wrong. He is a very accepting guy.

I hate the fact that once I figure one thing out, there will always be something else...

Solving an unfinished puzzle,
emily.page.

Fact Not Fiction For The First Time In Years

Another day has flown right by being ever more closer to the day I am finished with high school. There are parts of me that will be sad that it's over, but the rest of me will be more than glad when it's finally done. College is something I cannot wait for, because living in a new home and with new people is something I know will be interesting. High school has become the root of all evil, and I wish to find the exit. Three months left...I shall stick it out to the very close.

Facebook has taken over my life. I am a real addict in the worst of real life addictions. I can't go a single day without checking my Facebook! Twitter has the same effect. The world of technology is taking over planet Earth! Pretty soon, people will not know what to do with themselves. We will all be living for the latest of gadgets. It's a sick obsession, really. This very moment, I shall try my very best to tone it down.

Tonight....or shall I say last night, I sang the National Anthem yet again. Again, there were more compliments which always make me feel so wrong. I feel as though I shouldn't be given so much praise.

Throughout the day, I think of sooo many things that I could include in my wonderful blogs, but I seem to forget them. How tragic/! I need to start keeping a notebook of all the fascinating things that rush to my brain at random. It has been noted that I may have memory loss.

Sleep is still something that I still don't see very much of. This isn't anything too bothersome to me, but I really wish it were easier to sleep. Maybe I need somebody to hold me until my brain finds a state of rest. I can't really fall asleep in my parents' arms anymore. Sometimes I wish I could. This is the point in life where I enjoy becoming my own person, but I'm still holding onto the way things used to be.

Spotify is my very best friend. I can listen to any playlist I want, whenever I want.

Hmm. There are times when I wonder certain things about other people. I wonder what they think about, how often they think about certain things, if the things we think about are ever similar, and if maybe anyone ever thinks of me. My mind wanders everywhere and I think too terribly much about everything, but there are definitely more of certain thoughts than others. It drives me absolutely insane when people are hard to read. I've been told that I am that way, but I really have no idea. People, especially guys, who are mysterious or hard to read are the ones that I find attractive, but at the same time, they drive me up the walls and into the deepest of oceans. Maybe one day I will learn to further understand these people.

Tonight might possibly be a good night. My brain is functioning seemingly well...I will still probably have to keep a small memory book.

Yesterday, our senior class found out who was in the top ten. I am tied for number 7. I'm okay with this, because I know that I could have done better, I just chose not to. There are other people on the other hand that were upset to hear where they sat in the class ranks. It upsets me when people are upset about being number 4. They fail to recognize the fact that our number one takes college classes that are 5.0 classes...and they don't do half bad in these classes. Well, I'm no one to judge, and I don't want to be just another complainer...I'll leave this one to dry up like a raisin.

The snow has finally stopped...SPRING IS ALMOST HERE! That means soccer is closer than before. I am full of pure excitement! I need to start getting in shape...I'm a procrastinator!

I would write so much more, because I'm beginning to remember everything at once, but some people just don't appreciate blogs that never end.

Until next time,
Emily Page.

P.s. I really like middle names for some reason.

Monday.

Monday, February 20, 2012. Today was my soul sister's birthday!! I made my way down to Allendale earlier to see her and give her something sweet. We met up, but she was on the way to one of her classes. I wish I would have made legitimate plans with her. There will have to be a next time, because we definitley need a day.

I dropped a ring off to Briefs today. He wasn't actually the person I handed the ring to, but that matters not. It was the only thing left that was there to keep us connected, and I cut that string into pieces. This was the right row to hoe. I'm more than positive about it.

The last visit I made today was a great visit. One of my dearest friends and I walked around the GV campus for at least 20 minutes before we knew for sure that this person was home. Turns out, they were home before we thought, and we couldn't help but laugh at ourselves. How silly are we?!

After going at least 5 months without seeing this person, it was absolutely amazing to see them. Hopefully I will see them again very soon.

There was more to say, but I can't quite remember what it was I had to say. There is only one thing on my mind at the moment, and I will have to share my mental activity later.

I think I'm making a habit of this whole forgetting thing. Maybe I have memory loss.

Babies are crying, and I'm being driven insane.

With a smile brighter than yesterday's sunshine,
Emily Page!

Unknown Inspirations

You could most definitely tell that today was Friday. The morning had a late start, but it turned out pretty okay in the end. My first two classes were simple, but band class was another story. I don't know what it was about this morning, but we did not play up to our musical standards. It's disappointing having days such as this to say the absolute least. I'm not even sure why we sounded so off today. Maybe it was because we tuned our instruments. Generally, we don't do that, because it's good to practice listening and becoming in tune with the simplest of embouchure changes. Hopefully Monday is a better day.

The hair competition only scoots closer and closer with each minute that passes by. I'm not even going to say that I'm the least bit excited. For some reason, being in this Cosmetology class has wrecked me. I don't even enjoy doing my own hair as of late. It's but a phase. I'll get over it quick, fast, and in a hurry. The only reasoning behind me not doing my hair is because I don't sleep at night, and I'm too tired when I wake up in the morning. I'll start sleeping again eventually.

This morning, our Spanish sub taught us about Argentina. She studied abroad there. Everything she had to say was interesting, and I actually enjoyed the lesson rather than wanting to sleep. Might I say that Spanish class IS first hour. Spanish is a lovely language, and I'd love to speak it fluently. I'm getting there.

My research paper for English class is due in a little less than a month. I've decided to do some research on an African Politician. There is a surprising amount of excitement being shown for this. That's unexpected. I strive to do well, for it will be my last English project in high school.

Yesterday was a perfect day to go for a run. Soccer season is just around the corner and I need to be shapely. Monday marked my first actual run in months. I ran a mile, easily, but that's not good enough. I've got to run until I can't anymore. Six pack don't hold back. Also, I should probably work out along with these long distance runs. Running won't get me the abs I once worked for.

A muscle working massage is great after a long run. My massage therapist asked me what I needed work on. Naturally, my legs were sore after a first time run, so she worked out those muscles. I felt like a new woman. She must be a wizard, because my legs shouldn't feel this great right now. Maybe after a few more runs.

After a long afternoon spent at the hospital with my nephew, the end result is a headache. I was supposed to go to the best friend's house, but I'm not feeling so hott. On top of that, there's a freak storm outside, and the roads are all ice. The thunder also makes it a promising night. My sleep deprivation is getting to my head. Sleep is probably the best choice anyways.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Waking up bright and early on a Saturday was the last "to-do" on my list to check off. This week is snowcoming week, and the seniors have to work on their banner tomorrow for the class competition. It's the last competing we will do and the last spirit week we will have. This year is full of sad days. Oh, well. They give me something nice to remember. Our senior class is the best class ever in all seriousness. It's a good year to win. Just like junior year...and sophomore year...and freshmen year. Like I said, our class is awesome.

Not going to lie, this headache makes the world a brighter place..in a literal sense. Everything is louder too. My fingers are pounding away at the keys on this keyboard, and I'm almost annoyed with myself. Now, that's a good stitch of pain. I do have to mention, it's been awhile since I've had a headache this severe. I'll live. Naturally.

Today was a good day, I guess. My mind is reorganizing, and I can actually remember what I wanted to say...Seeing how this blog is showing potential to be a bit lengthy, I shall begin again tomorrow. There is much to say, and my brain is finally back in my head. Curse the mindless Emily! I've got you now!

With so much more to share,

Emily Page.

A Flower Quickly Fading

How could a wonderful week such as this one be coming to an end within the next 24 hours?! One full of stress and hard times, my friend, finally taking it's last few strides before the mile is over. My feelings could be compared to a crumbly cookie that was baking for too long in the oven. I am the oven, and my feelings are the baked good. They have been cooped up inside me for so long, they were forgotten and had begun to crumble. I forgot that they are also like refrigerated produce. They spoil after so long and need to be released somehow. Taking a trip to the compost.. I'm tired of being the blah Emily. That's not who I am, but lately and quite honestly, I don't really know who I am.

College is something I look forward to, but it takes an awful lot of time and energy...two things I've run out of. Scholarships and paying for everything I need in order to get somewhere in life have kicked me in the face and left bruises. I'm beginning to see the true meaning of a busy life. I can do this. (Phillipians 4:13)

Wednesday night showed me too much about myself. Before church, I made my way to the local coffee shop with the youth pastor's wife. The words that rolled from her lips explained every single obstacle I was facing before I even told her about them. Either she knows me all too well, or she's clever and pays attention. The mystery still remains. Her intentions are to be my friend and to understand me. She does a good job if I do say so myself. 

I learned that I am in the Emily box. Never aloud to leave, no matter what. People see me in this box like I'm on house arrest. They see everything I do correctly, everything that works out for me, and basically everything that doesn't require a difficult path for me. Other people come to me to understand them and fix their problems, but little do they know..I have problems of my own. It just goes back to the little box that I'm stuck in. "Emily's not allowed to be sad, mad, upset,..anything but happy." Here's the thing, it's hard to be happy when you've spent all of your time figuring things out for others. It's time that I understand and figure things out for myself.

Cosmetology is a waste of my time. It's a great class, and I wish I had the gumption to finish the class to get my license. There are simply more important things in my life to worry about. Sure having a job at a salon during college could get me somewhere, but that's not really what I want. And this competition I am competing in really doesn't spark my interest anymore. Being good at things I'm sick of doing really doesn't help me in any situation. I need to find the one thing I love the most!

Music really helps me get through the day.

Soccer is coming up in two weeks! I am more than excited! This wicked sport is my one and only release. I used to be able to say the same about volleyball, but I've learned to loathe that particular sport. Some things just become boring or less enjoyable. Soccer isn't, has never been, and won't ever be boring. It's aggressive, and I can channel my energy toward a goal...whether it be literally or figuratively. Maybe I'll learn to know what it feels like to love something so special again. I haven't the best of luck with things like that.

My strengths really show when I play soccer. It brings out my inner beast..in a good way. It's a passion.

There is a hair competition on Monday. I'm far from excited. Every idea I ever had has escaped my mind. Maybe it will come back when I'm under pressure. That's what I'm hoping anyways.

My brain is so scattered right now. I try so hard to think about one thing at a time, but I can't. There is too much to remember at once, and it's like a dial-up computer with 10 windows open...it gets too busy and tries to shut down after freezing a bit.

That might be me. Hopefully someday in the near future, I can regather all the thoughts I once made my own. If that's not soon, I might need brain therapy. Do they even have that?

Thinking too much for my own good,

Emily Page.

P.s. The English project I shared in my last blog earned me a perfect score.

P.s.s. For some reason, this blog feels incomplete....oh, well.

The True Meaning Of Deep...Poetry, and Flowers.

My job was to explain the meaning of a few poems in something as simple as an essay. One poem was called The Fly, another named The Sick Rose. Both poems were written by William Blake and have a meaning deeper than the words on the pages. There were more poems, but these were the ones that I found to be most intriguing to me. This was the outcome of my major project:

Anxiety, Randomness, and All That's In Between.

Oh, what interesting paths we pave for ourselves. This past week sure was a trip with all the anxiety I've had. Church usually calms me down and reminds me what I live for, but tonight, I was agitated with a statement the pastor made. There have been recent complaints in the church about my nose and lip rings, but I looked past them. People can judge me all they want even though they shouldn't. God will still love me the same. I went to church tonight hoping for that little reminder, then the pastor said, "You know, I really shouldn't say this..." (which really he shouldn't have...then he continued..) "..but I really don't like those people with all the piercings and tattoos..."
Awesome. That made me feel so much better after walking in with an uneasy heart from the start...Why can't people be more accepting?

This morning, I had a really great thought that I figured I should elaborate on. During the Christmas service, pastor compared and contrasted Santa to Jesus. That seemed interesting the way he "compared" them. As I opened up that thought this morning, I realized that Santa isn't worthy enough to be compared to Jesus. That also led me to believe that childhood stories are overrated and they shouldn't be told. Most people tie Bible stories in with other mythical stories (i.e. the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, etc.) they tell their kids. As children get older, they stop believing these silly stories. If we categorize stories of Jesus in with these "silly stories," don't you think children will stop believing in Jesus as they get older too? That's something to think about.

Most of the people I talked to about me having so much anxiety told me that I needed to stop thinking so much. They could be right, but I started thinking about things that I had once forgotten. My brain was way too flooded with old memories. I wanted so badly to have all of these things at the same time. Knowing that was impossible triggered these nasty feelings deep inside me. My stomach turned until it felt completely blended by dull knives. This is a feeling I once compared to a common cold in a mental sense. I needed a tissue so I could "blow my nose" and clear up my congestion. In this case, I suppose my "tissue" was God. He is there to carry my heavy burdens. That in itself makes my smile brighter.

St. Louis sounds better and better with each coming day. This special place also contributes to the anxiety I have. If I could be anywhere, it would be in St. Louis. Everything about it makes me a happier person. The last time I was there was for the fourth of July and even then it was just to help clean out my grandpa's house. That was lame. I should probably buy that house for myself. Anyways, the day came where we had to begin our journey back to the mitten. That was a sad day. I begged to stay in "the Show-Me-State" for the rest of the summer, but that was a joke to the rents. As soon as I stepped into my spotless bedroom, I never left it. I slept for three days straight, because I was too depressed to do or think about anything that wasn't St. Louis. This, my friends, is why I added this lovely city to the list of things that seem to feed my anxiety. Being away from St. Louis makes it the worst.

I'm not sure why today was the worst of all days for me. I do believe that I had an anxiety attack. Maybe I'm wrong, but I was hyperventilating, my stomach was folded like laundry, I couldn't eat, my brain was flashing like a strobe light, I was having heat flashes, and I just wanted to break down. Luckily, everything appears to be alright now, but we'll have to wait it out to see the final outcome.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day. It's the day I start working out again. I've completely lost the body I had, and I'm quite upset about that. I should never have stopped running or started eating more. Silly me. Now I get to run until I can't. That's all in good measure, though. It might even help to relieve all the stress I have built up.

In English class, we read a poem about a dying rose. My project was about what it meant for this rose to be dying. I thought this was interesting considering some conversations I've had about roses. Maybe I shall include my "rose" thoughts in my next blog. That should be interesting.

Stay tuned...
Emily Page