A Flower Quickly Fading

How could a wonderful week such as this one be coming to an end within the next 24 hours?! One full of stress and hard times, my friend, finally taking it's last few strides before the mile is over. My feelings could be compared to a crumbly cookie that was baking for too long in the oven. I am the oven, and my feelings are the baked good. They have been cooped up inside me for so long, they were forgotten and had begun to crumble. I forgot that they are also like refrigerated produce. They spoil after so long and need to be released somehow. Taking a trip to the compost.. I'm tired of being the blah Emily. That's not who I am, but lately and quite honestly, I don't really know who I am.

College is something I look forward to, but it takes an awful lot of time and energy...two things I've run out of. Scholarships and paying for everything I need in order to get somewhere in life have kicked me in the face and left bruises. I'm beginning to see the true meaning of a busy life. I can do this. (Phillipians 4:13)

Wednesday night showed me too much about myself. Before church, I made my way to the local coffee shop with the youth pastor's wife. The words that rolled from her lips explained every single obstacle I was facing before I even told her about them. Either she knows me all too well, or she's clever and pays attention. The mystery still remains. Her intentions are to be my friend and to understand me. She does a good job if I do say so myself. 

I learned that I am in the Emily box. Never aloud to leave, no matter what. People see me in this box like I'm on house arrest. They see everything I do correctly, everything that works out for me, and basically everything that doesn't require a difficult path for me. Other people come to me to understand them and fix their problems, but little do they know..I have problems of my own. It just goes back to the little box that I'm stuck in. "Emily's not allowed to be sad, mad, upset,..anything but happy." Here's the thing, it's hard to be happy when you've spent all of your time figuring things out for others. It's time that I understand and figure things out for myself.

Cosmetology is a waste of my time. It's a great class, and I wish I had the gumption to finish the class to get my license. There are simply more important things in my life to worry about. Sure having a job at a salon during college could get me somewhere, but that's not really what I want. And this competition I am competing in really doesn't spark my interest anymore. Being good at things I'm sick of doing really doesn't help me in any situation. I need to find the one thing I love the most!

Music really helps me get through the day.

Soccer is coming up in two weeks! I am more than excited! This wicked sport is my one and only release. I used to be able to say the same about volleyball, but I've learned to loathe that particular sport. Some things just become boring or less enjoyable. Soccer isn't, has never been, and won't ever be boring. It's aggressive, and I can channel my energy toward a goal...whether it be literally or figuratively. Maybe I'll learn to know what it feels like to love something so special again. I haven't the best of luck with things like that.

My strengths really show when I play soccer. It brings out my inner beast..in a good way. It's a passion.

There is a hair competition on Monday. I'm far from excited. Every idea I ever had has escaped my mind. Maybe it will come back when I'm under pressure. That's what I'm hoping anyways.

My brain is so scattered right now. I try so hard to think about one thing at a time, but I can't. There is too much to remember at once, and it's like a dial-up computer with 10 windows open...it gets too busy and tries to shut down after freezing a bit.

That might be me. Hopefully someday in the near future, I can regather all the thoughts I once made my own. If that's not soon, I might need brain therapy. Do they even have that?

Thinking too much for my own good,

Emily Page.

P.s. The English project I shared in my last blog earned me a perfect score.

P.s.s. For some reason, this blog feels incomplete....oh, well.