This harmonica toots like it's alive!

What is it that God is trying to tell me? There is something inside me that is telling me that I'm wrong, that I don't know what I want even after knowing my whole life. I've known my whole life that I've wanted to live in St. Louis, but is it possible that I have always been mistaken? As much as I want to figure that out, I'm not quite sure how to go about asking God what his plans are for me. Listening is something I'm good at, but I've never tried to listen to God in this situation. Now seems to be the time, so I might as well put some Q-tips to use. My ears will need to be ready for anything.

Two dates have passed already where I was supposed to be on my way and starting a new life. It's difficult to believe that something I'd be stuck with has already begun to pester me half to death. Who's to say it wouldn't soon put me in my grave?

I'm not looking to be driven crazy. No thank you.

So far, I've thought pretty deep into this whole listening subject. Clues that lead me to stay in Michigan aren't making themselves bumps on my road of travel, but I've found myself stopped at a cliff. I don't want to jump off only to be stuck somewhere I don't belong.

Ethan.
There has never been a situation where I used somebody's real name in a blog, but...
Ethan.

Ethan ran into me while I was with a previous crush. Silly stories of ladies denying his cheesy pick up lines danced from his lips. My comments tore those ladies to pieces as they must be members of some NubClub. Any girl using fake numbers to turn down a nice guy has to be a real nub.

I taught Ethan how to get a girl's real number while actually giving him my own. How that happened, quite frankly I don't care. I just love that it happened. And now I am falling...into what I am unsure...but who cares? I'm falling into the arms of someone who will be there, no doubts.

Ethan is silly.
Ethan is wonderful.
Ethan is my boyfriend.
...and I like him! =]

Into a new pair of shoes, today's fruit is the lemon. There are countless uses for this magical citric wonder, but for the internet world, I leave two:
1. Applying the juice from half a lemon to the face can help clear skin.
2. Fresh lemon juice can help accomplish weight loss.

Pickles, Pickles, PICKLES!

My best friend has an ex boyfriend. Here are my thoughts:
  He is a bad kind of crazy.
  He is a liar of many sorts.
  He is very manipulative.
  He should be in politics.
  I don't like him.
  He can lick my big toe(words used by my angry grandmother).

Done due to sheer laziness,
Emily Page.

P.s. My sleep schedule is back to the norm.

Facebook..

Today, Facebook asked me how I was feeling. After awhile of staring at the computer, I decided that the question was rather ridiculous. There is absolutely no way possible that Facebook could ever understand or relate to anything that I happen to be going through. It doesn't quite grasp the concept of what it means to feel. This thought then sparked another. What if this is just a fix for all of the people out there with Facebook addictions?! What if Mark Zuckerburg created this site for more than just connecting to friends with distance. People don't necessarily have to let the whole Facebook world know what they are doing, how they are feeling, or what's on their mind at all hours of the day.
This is what I've figured out:
Facebook is for both people who have friends that don't care and people who don't realize how much their friends do care. If these people did in fact know they were appreciated, they wouldn't have to keep updating Facebook in order to find attention from people who most likely don't even care about them as a Facebook friend.
This is where I've discovered the negative effects of having a Facebook.
It keeps people from the real world.
It gives confidence to people who would never confront somebody face to face.
It creates false images of people.
It brings out ones inner creeper.

There are then a third type of people who use Facebook. That type of person is me. I am the one who uses Facebook for no such reasons but to post statuses that make people think. We all know that there are people who, if it weren't for Facebook, would never use their brain.
My stati are only made to confuse people, because I'm an evil soul.

That's enough for today's thought.

Loving this Jesus music,
Emily Page.

Subtracting you...solving math's problems.

Nobody. That's who I've learned that I can trust. Giving someone who is not yourself the power to break your heart is the biggest mistake anybody can make especially when you are expecting it. I don't know why I'm so upset about something I could see coming from three hours away.

And so it happens again. This anxiety will be the death of me, but don't take that too literally. As unbearable as it can be, this too shall pass. It's one thing to call me a weirdo knowing that I am already aware of the fact, but it is most certainly another thing to call me a weirdo in hopes to offend me. That really eats at the soul.

I'm sick. Sick of judgmental people. I thought I was pretty accepting. Turns out I was wrong. I don't accept rude, inconsiderate jerks who feel it is in their place to judge the rest of us. Nobody needs that in their life, because it only creates a hurt that's incurable. My hurt...still numb, so why must I try to cure it? Why not just throw a smile on top like a poncho? I'm laughing. There is no reason for me to hurt like this.

It all started the day after Relay for Life. I should have said no. There is no way it was acceptable for me to be out with no phone, no sleep, and no knowledge of where I was going. There would have been one less jerk and one less problem. I suppose if they want nothing to do with me then it's not so much a problem...for me anyways. I haven't stopped trying, and that's where the problem lies but not in my own hands. It's in their hands. Am I in the wrong for making this mess bigger than it needs to be knowing I don't have to clean it up?
...nahhhh.

It is so clear to me now. I've fallen. To get up, I'd be living! So, why not live?!

Nothing more.
Emily.

My Minute of Thought...Take 11?

Figuring out who I am has been a struggle for not only the people who try to care about me but also for myself. There are times when I ask why I have to be so complicated. After some stressful thought and good music, I've learned some things:

My name is Emily Page. I use my first and middle name as my signature, because there is something about middle names that caresses my soul. When talking to the people who are closest to me, I find it most fitting to call them by their first and middle name, because it shows a sense of care. That may be different for other people, but I do that in hopes that those people will understand how special they are to me.

Instead of showing more interest in the pretty things, I focus on things people judge as ugly. While others are quick to stereotype, I like to take time to look a little deeper and see just how beautiful each of these things can be. 

When it comes to sleep, my schedule matches the normal sleeping habits of people living on the other side of the world. It's quite normal for me to be awake while others around me are sleeping and vise versa. Day sleeping comes easier.

Texting and talking on the phone are the worst. I'd much rather make conversations and interact with people in person. There is so much confusion in reading one's emotion otherwise. Texting also takes up way too much of my time.

Crying is something that I've learned is unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, I feel great after a healthy cry, but it's something I like to happen only once in a long while.

This goes along with emotions. I feel as if my emotions were overused in a sense. I've become sick of showing them, so it's natural for me to appear emotionless in the majority of my life situations. 

I absolutely hate when people touch my face. I've had so many problems with acne and skin issues; I am simply self-conscious when the subject is brought up. Hundreds of dollars were invested in medicines and buying face makeup to cover what I thought was so wretched..which leads to another topic I've thought about.

Girls who pile on the foundation have a lot to learn. I used to be one of those girls, but in most cases it's different. There are way too many flawless girls piling on layer after layer of cover-up. They don't need it. They are beautiful in black and white...like those old films that are better watched without color. 

I'm the girl that prefers clean cut nails rather than long painted nails. It's less of a hassle and far less disgusting on top of that.

As much as I say I'd like to fall in love, I've come to the conclusion that best friends are better than boyfriends. Guys don't understand this, but here's the thing....they won't.

Tattoos, piercings, and colorful hair is more my style than the typical natural look. I've always wanted to gauge my ears, but my good hygiene trumps my style by a long shot.

My brain isn't confusing, it just thinks through everything faster than I can express.

My minute of thoughts while watching The Little Mermaid,

Emily Page.

Thinking. It's what I'm up to.

I would like to start this night out with the fact that I have three followers on this blog site.  That number doesn't even compare to the number of followers I have on Twitter, but I feel as though the people actually following my blog are the ones who are important to me. Actually, anyone who takes time out of their life to read my posts is most likely important to me.

I'm tired of living this life. My choices are all bad, and I can't help that. I have forgotten how to be myself. A new life seems impossible at this point in my life. While it may seem impossible for me, I know how possible it is with God. He is with me every step of the way. I simply have to trust in him to guide my life in the direction he has planned for me.

As I look at my life and the family I've made at Grand Valley State University, I've realized that as much as I'd hate to lose what I've gained, I must move forward. Grand Valley wasn't the place for me. My future, I've decided, is in my favorite place in the world. Taking this winter semester off to find a job is almost unrealistic for me, but I didn't know where else to turn. I feel as though God is leading me in this very direction. I figured this time is as good as any to start listening. St. Louis is big, and my plans are even bigger. I'm  looking forward to the opportunity that I will have in the place I wish to call home.

There is this thing that I absolutely hate to talk about. This thing is guys. They truly disgust me.

...actually...

I've come to a sudden realization. After having an emotional conversation (mind you, I'm not emotional...at all) I know that love is real. As my relationship with God has been a struggle for me, there was one person that helped me figure out where I was going wrong. A few years ago, I led myself to believe that there was no such thing as love. Since then, there was nothing in the world that could convince me otherwise. Tonight, one of my greatest friends in the world has helped me think on this situation deeper than I have ever thought on it. Within my brain, fire was made. Now fully comprehending a lesson that I've been taught my whole life, I know that without the love of God, no other type of love can exist. Relationships need to be based around God and the love he shows us, or we will not be able to truly replicate this love toward special people in our life on earth.

How could it have taken me this long to understand such a simple concept? Questions about why I felt the way I did about love were more than difficult for me to answer. My answer was always, "I don't know" or, "This is difficult to explain." Apologies were always made, because nobody was ever satisfied with my reply. People are always praying for me; this I know for sure. God has really taken his place as number one in my life, and I couldn't be happier.

I'm not even reluctant to say that I'm not sad about what I put myself through before I figured this out.

I'm happy to be thinking clearly again...I didn't even have to drink coffee.

This life that I live, I love it very much.

Nobody will ever tear me down.

Embracing God's power and love,
Emily Page..

It's Monday...but that's no excuse.

Last night. The first night that I actually had trouble falling asleep. Does that mean that I'm falling into my old habits? With a class at 8 o'clock this morning, I wasn't sure how today was going to play out. For some reason, my anxiety shot right through me, and my eyes were stuck wide open until a good 3am. There was too much on my brain. Thoughts coming and going from every corner of my mind...which leads to this morning.

Sleep finally made nice with my restless body when it was time for me to get up and prepare myself for the day. I knew something wasn't quite right, but I ignored it and moved on into my busy Monday. Psychology wasn't as bad as previous days, so I decided that this Monday was going to be one of the best. History was also very interesting as per it's usual, but then came my three hour break. Since there was a lack of sleep in preperation for success, I thought it was necessary to catch a few Z's before my math class. Something was still very wrong. Anxiety got the best of me yet again, so I had no choice but to lay awake until it was time to go.

During this sleep attempt, I received a text from a guy. We've been talking for quite some time. I asked how he was doing, and he replied with, "Good, I guess." Knowing something was up, I asked what it could be. This was the very last question I wish I had asked, because I knew how our conversation would end. It was the same story that I end up writing in my book of life every time. My heart hurt a little bit this morning, but I might actually believe that this guy was being genuine. He was super serious about needing to focus on his school work. There was also no way we'd ever be able to see each other seeing how he doesn't have skype. Skype isn't enough anyways. I wish I'd known him longer. Maybe things would be different.
My heart is in pieces. It's so hard to hold all of them by myself. The shards keep slipping through my bony fingers and stabbing my insides. Although I'm a little sad, I've learned from past experiences how to get over situations like this. It's no big deal.

Marching band completely changed my mood. Something about it creates this new person inside me. I forgot about being sad, and happiness took over my day! Who likes to be so melancholy anyways?!
I SURE DON'T! Life's too short to worry about things that upset you.

Writing class came at the close of my day. The half hour before it started, my productivity level was higher than normal. My introductory paragragh was done before class had even started. During class, my attention span had shrunk to it's bare minimum. Two straight hours of helping one of my fellow classmates sounded better than finishing my own paper. She complimented my revising/editting skills. I'm just happy to have helped her.

My day is almost over, and I'm as calm as the sea.

Not as deep as I had intended this morning,
Emily Page.

A Whole New Environment

The Zumburge Library has become my favorite place. I've only been in here no more than twenty minutes, but it's so serene. The environment is quiet, but that's generally how most library's must be. There is something special about this top floor that really tickles my brain's fancy. My thinking is crystal clear, and why? What could the reason be for this whole new thought process?! I'm intrigued at even this thought! My blogs might spark better towards more interesting topics in the future. Excitement is now all that is being held.

Grand Valley is lovely. The campus is great, and the people are nice.

The irrigation systems around here are ridiculous. I'm not sure a shower is what I was looking for on the way to my classes. It's merely a shame the staff don't know to fix it. Rather, it's a shame they don't have the motivation. It's impossible for them not to be aware of such activity. My thoughts were leading towards watering the grass and not the weeds in the sidewalk cracks.

Someday people will generate an awareness for their surroundings.

Marching band is intense! When people remember charts and music, it turns out to be quite the show. I'm proud to be in the Laker Marching Band, and I'm looking forward to our first game this saturday on the new field! The flicc's section leaders could not have been better chosen. I've known them for all of two, almost three, weeks, and I already love them!

This season is bound to be a great one.

The fridge in my dorm is broken. My ice chewing addiction cannot be satisfied, but I suppose a little trip to the freshmen commons will have to do. My two packages of bacon keep nice and cool...I guess I have bigger problems.

Bacon for dinner tomorrow.

Well, now Brandon is breathing down my neck. He wants to leave this wonderful block of peace.

I shouldn't hold him up.

To Meijer we go!

Until next time...and with more crystalline thoughts,
Emily Page.