waiting for a beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

What do you do when you are ready to give all of yourself to someone who isn't willing to accept you and love you for everything that you are?! How do you compose yourself and deal with the heavy burden that has been slung upon your brittle self-esteem?! Do you withdraw the sum of everything you've saved in the bank of love becoming emotionally bankrupt?! 

I've lost my mind trying to understand why certain things happen in this worldly hell. Spending time lost in endless thought has led me into a sea of fear and failure. Standing on the sideline screaming encouragement to a deaf band. Control over anything more than my own person has become the greatest challenge, but is it really my challenge to conquer? The complexities of the soul tie themselves into knots. Maybe they are meant to remain tied up..meant to be appreciated in their natural form. 

Change. The inevitable effects of meeting new obstacles withers the personality at a slow, yet perpetual pace. For good or for bad, it doesn't matter. It happens. What matters is learning to welcome the new idea with an old fashioned heart. 

Love. Many modern definitions diminish the original meaning of this word. 

My mind is in recovery. Present speculation is simply a stone on which I will step, for someday I will completely interpret my thoughts...not for others to compare to their own progress, but for me to finally have a grasp on the concept of "purpose."

For now, my love is for myself. And when I am rich, then and only then will I be able to give myself away and remain whole.